It's not a dream anymore when it comes true

Today I'm a little bit excited because my dream partially came true. I feel that a group discussion can actually stimulate my study. At least it has some interaction and I wont feel bored. Previously my life was like 'get up, survive, and go to bed'. And today I've found that it's not important to have a millions friends, just have a friend that stands by you when millions are against you. Everything in life is temporarily. So if things are going like today, just enjoy it cause it wont last forever. However, if things are going bad in future, don't worry, cause it cannt last forever either.

Oh~ my friends.

As I grow up, I've learned that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let me down, probably will. I don't know how many times do I need to get hurt for me to give up. I hate myself that when I was heart broken, I never left them. Instead, I'll probably break their hearts, to let them hate me and finally choose to leave me. I hope somebody can love me when I least deserve it, because that is what i really need. But I know it wont happen in my life. I always want to have a best friend, just that my friends did not want to have me. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. I just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to me and tell someone off. I always tell myself don't be afraid to take chances even it's risky because every second you spend for angry or upset is a second that you can never get back. So never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you want.



"Friendship can be hard, it is a difficult relationship to keep, loss is even harder, whether it’s loss to death or misunderstanding, maybe even just different choice of roads; saying goodbye is never an easy task. No matter how close you are to your friends, at some point they are going to hurt you, and if you ever want to keep good friends, then you must learn to forgive them and let go of the pain that they caused; intentionally or not. We all make mistakes and bad choices at some point in our life, remember that always when a grudge starts to form. Make peace with those who have passed on and moved on for each of us has our own destiny to follow, you never know who you are going to meet down your path of life." ~Will Rivera

How?

How nice is it if one day there is someone approaches me and tell me "Hey, let's study together tomorrow?" Haha.

Since I was small, i studied alone. Unlike other people, i don't have siblings to play with me or study with me. My sister was married to Bukit Mertajam since I was 5. I stayed with my loving granny when she was in her sixties and seventies. My parents worked in the morning and and my granny took care of my until I was in standard 5. She is the only one that I could talk to. There was an absolute shock when she left me in a sudden and I could feel a giant kick in my head. I was not being beside her to say a last goodbye and I know I wont be given a second chance. I still remembered that day the sky was the most magnificent blue.I do feel unfortunate that she couldn't able to see my future as she promised, she couldn't cheer for me at my graduation, or watch me get married anymore. This is my first cry in public since I was sent to a kindergarden. After her funeral, i stayed alone at home everyday. Sometimes,I had to wipe my tears before I got on the school bus. She used to accompany me while waiting school bus. From the day she was gone, I sat on the bench while waiting bus alone everyday. I don't the feeling of being alone in the morning when my house is so empty and quiet. So, i have found my first best friend in my life during standard 5. However, no freinds could stay long. I'm quite envious those friends who can always stuck together. I always feel very helpless especially study break. I have no one to ask when I was stuck in my studies. I can't concentration when there is no people around me. I feel lonely and demotivated when I stay in my room. I like to study in library and particularly in the cafeteria. I can see many ones study together with their gang. Sometimes I also dream that I also have a gang to study with. Haha. But I seem have a lot of problems that i can feel that normally people will not stay with me. I have no idea how to change the situation, perhaps I have weak social skills. If someone treats me good, I will definitely treat that person in the same way or even better. Unfortunately, I'm not good enough that I wont be chosen as best friend no matter how many times I have tried. I'm 23 years old now I still don't know how to be a good friend.

This month I have spent less than rm10 on my phone credit. No one will take initiative to sms me. Did I care too much? If i graduate, does it mean I wont receive any sms anymore? Even MSN I hardly find a complete conversation. Do everyone is so busy until left a conversation hang at half way? Am i too annoying? I miss my overseas friends a lot, please come back.

Differentiation

I can't believe myself that I was affected by her so much in such a way which I can't fully explain. She makes me hate another person whom I treated as sailou. I once couldn't differentiate between these two people. But, please, if she's gonna be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. We should learn how to be respectful to our friends, don't just start arguments with them without telling them the reasons. She did so, but he wont, that's how i differentiate them.

I believe lies so I eventually learn to trust no one but myself. She has taught me that it's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone. So, I restore myself when I'm alone.

I want to be good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small little boy in a big world trying to find some best friends and to be loved. Friends just like to act, and, some come, some go. The ones that can stay through everything they are true best friends. For a boy without a girlfriend like me, friendship is the best thing that comes to life because I will not worry about the fakes.

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. =) I will keep my chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about. That's why I'm so happy today =)

Arrr...so tired now...The nicest thing for me now is sleep, at least I can dream.

Calm down~~

The story starts when a best friend left me and I stayed alone for a while. I met another friend who then became my closest friend in KL. This 2 weeks, whenever i saw him, he reminded me of his ex. I was always try my best to be nice to her but she dumped me. Do it really matter which side I'm on? I just want someone to talk with when i am down, but she told me that I'm pessimistic all the way. Everything has been changed once she get a new boyfriend. I'm too childish to her that she prohibited me from making friend with his boyfriend. I can't believe a person that i treated as sister, thinking that I will ruin her relationship with her boyfriends. The use of obscene words totally disappointed me.She really broke my heart, really she did. She made me feel like i was a big loser. At first, i believed my friend's taste of choosing her as a girlfriend. I was so naive that I thought she will support me and enhance my life and help me to think and behave in darker ways that I never thought I would. After all, she cut off communication with me by blocking me in MSN and Facebook. It's infuriating and I found no route to express my anger towards her. Sometimes, i hate myself that I feel like wanna take revenge on her or her ex-bf who were used to be my closest friends and whom I once spent a lot of time. I don't know why I always think that he is of the same type like her. She basically used me and was really nice when she needed me, but otherwise, she threw me off to the side. Even though I know that everything will become history and I will get over this trauma, however, I still feel afraid being dumped by another person and I believe he will and actually he did. Jenwin, you will definately find your best friends one day, be patient. =)

Nobody knows

I awakened by hunger at midnight. I suddenly feel like everything is so blue, the window, the cupboard and myself. I don't like lunch and dinner time, because this period is the blue'est to me. today i saw year 2 juniors were having their lunch with their gang. And i saw my classmate was having lunch beside me with his closest friend. After that, i realised actually year 3 juniors were also having lunch there. There is no mirror there, but i could see myself is having lunch alone. I did cry in my heart, but who knows and who cares? I always knew looking back on tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on laughs would make me cry. I don't want anyone to see my heart, because it ain't pretty. My heart isn't broken, it just doesn't feel as full as it used to be. I never know I'm getting lost until I wanna watch a movie but I have no idea whom should I call to go along with me.

适应

这次的post我不写冗长的句子了

这一年我的梦好长
仿佛整整过了四季
我似乎还没清醒
我需要深深地吸一口气
因为我觉得我不够冷静
有时愧疚太多 有时自责太久
想得太仔细 累坏了情绪
有些事 越想抽离越清晰
如今故事发展到只剩我一个
我没想过我会难过
没想过是否能承受一个人的寂寞
一个人用餐 一个人看电影 一个人落魄
哪怕周围再多人 感觉还是一个人
习惯单独旅行 习惯单独解决问题
但我不想别人看到我的无助
我相信跌倒是种成长
我不再迁就 不再执着
我心甘情愿 让一切随风而逝
回忆弥漫在空气中是甜蜜的