Sick of it

Kulim, the second home of mine. From KL to Kulim, from the lowest point of my life in the last two sems to a brand new life. Every time when I tried to do something for a better life, it winds up back to the same situation. Today I just finished my forensic exam. It's a very tiring day and also a quite boring day, and hoping some ones ask about my exam, hihi, no one.  I've never feel so free since I started working in Hospital Kulim. I was wandering around Taman Selasih but ended up with a hungry stomach. I couldn't find a better food for my dinner to celebrate my last paper, so eventually I drove down to Bukit Mertajam. Taking Bak Kut Teh and looked around, oh, i'm a white colour pencil. It was raining non-stop for the whole night. Damn I miss home. I want someone to talk with. How great if someone can pay me a visit now. Oh, cheer up, boy...

Footprints In The Sand

It's a cold rainy day. There isn't much else to do, and the weather else seems to suggest that I should sleep more.

'Grongggggg!!' The thunder woke me from sleeping.

I can feel the fear slowly come creeping in. I asked myself, how old am I, what am i doing now? My face turns pale and it's the indication of feeling lost. A life without a purpose, depression will quickly set in. Depression is a silent disease that sucks myenergy and joy out of a my life.


Leaving KL, back to Alor star, back to own family. The feeling of loneliness seems follow me and fill the world in which I live.  At home, my mom treats me not bad, however, I can feel that she, still, treats my sister better than me, no matter how I've tried my best. She likes girl more than guy and she wish that my first child is a she. No other feeling could possibly be worse than this, where once a house filled with laughter and cheer, now stands loneliness, emptiness and disappointment. The waves of pain drown me from time to time. I think I'm trapped in a box with too much emotion. So now, can I get out from the box? Is it locked? Is it day or is it night?


My worries come back. My past, won't leave me. I need a friend to free me from my past. I don't know can I be as good as others. I also don't know can a broken heart keep on breaking. I don’t believe in god, but still I pray, that somehow, someday, someone to stand by me. My dear grandma, I'm still asking why, why a good person with a big heart left me alone. I'm missing you so much.


Behind my smiles were my tears while behind all my comfort were my fears. I'm still searching for true friends that can erase my fears and wipe my tears. Everything you see in me only what I've chosen to show you. I want to be a real me again. I don't know what I want exactly in future, but, I wish someone who knows to play a guitar can sing this song to me. A song that I sang from my heart.

You walked with me, 
Footprints in the sand, 
And help me understand, 
Where I'm going, 

You walked with me, 
When I was all alone, 
With so much unknown, 
Along the way, 
Then I heard you say, 

I promise you, 
I'm always there, 
When your heart is filled 
With sorrow and despair, 
I'll carry you 
When you need a friend, 
You'll find my footprints in the sand. 

I see my life flash across the sky, 
So many times have I been so afraid.
And just when I, I thought I lost my way, 
You give me strength to carry on, 
That's when I heard you say, 

I promise you 
I'm always there 
When your heart is filled 
With sorrow and despair 
And, I'll carry you 
When you need a friend 
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

不要把別人的好當作理所當然

【不要把別人的好當作理所當然】 甲不喜歡吃雞蛋，每次發了雞蛋都給乙吃，剛開始乙很感謝，久而久之便習慣了。 習慣了，便理所當然了。於是，直到有一天，甲將雞蛋給了丙，乙就不爽了。 她忘記了這個雞蛋本來就是甲的，甲想給誰都可以。為此，她們大吵一架，從此絕交。 ‧很多時候，我們總是希望得到別人的好。一開始，感激不盡。可是久了，便是習慣了。習慣了一個人對你的好，便認為是理所應當的。 有一天不對你好了，你便覺得怨懟。其實，不是別人不好了，而是我們的要求變多了。習慣了得到，便忘記了感恩！ 網路轉貼

Mahatma Gandhi

"First they ignore you,
then they laugh at you,
then they fight you,
then you win."
-by Mahatma Gandhi-

First they ignore you.

At first, no one would understand your feeling. You would seem to be lacking in acceptance by the people around even though you have tried to be nice to them.

Then they laugh at you.

Soon after, some people would start to make comments on you. they don't think your thinking is rational. Some even feel that you are stupid.

Then they fight you.

The next step, that people will attack you and start to use methods to topple your efforts by talking negatively about you.

Then you win.

The last step, if you were able to handle each of these previous steps, would be success in your life. Having an idea of the stages gives you a sense of what to expect , so that you are much better able to control how you handle the effects.


Therefore, don't care too much about those ignore you, this is just the first step, and you will win eventually. Nobody can hurt you without your permission. What a bad guy am I! I plan to block some contacts in my smartphone, as a revenge for those disrespectful people. But what's the point? Just to show how disappointed am I, a friend that really use his heart to treat his friends. Some people may asked me, why treat a person so nice when he/she didn't care about you, didn't bring any benefits to you at all. I answered a person once, 'ngam key kua'. Now I know ngam key is useless, the most important thing is how you treat a person as well as how he/she treat you back. Thanks to everyone who give me the lesson. Feel a sense of deep gratitude for those people that still treat me a good friend no matter how I changed from time to time. I think of many more other things to be grateful for. Sometimes it’s easy to feel sad when you’re going through a tough time in life. However, no matter how bad your situation may seem, there are still thousands of things to be grateful for in life. It is clear to me that people who feel gratitude have better life than those who dwell on their disappointments. Learn to be open-minded. One of the greatest mental freedoms is truly not caring what other people think of you. Jenwin, your handphone is still ringing everyday. Still got tonnes of nice persons finding you. You still feel happy reading those sms. You are still a happy guy. *evil smile* hiak hiak hiak~

Do nothing

This week I seemed have done nothing. Yesterday, ItSeang, ChunHong, HanBoon, felicia and Jos came to Alor Star and went to my shop. Alor Star has what to eat, I really have no idea. Home-made dishes are still the best. I watched 2 singing competitions recently, namely Voice of China and Astro Hua Hi Lai Ka la. Singing can burn? I wanna try already.

medical check up

Last week was school public holidays, my sister and nieces came to my house. Being a tutor, I've no time to be a blogger. Yesterday I was too tired, came out with Dr Ooi, Mr psychiatric counselor Geh and Laywer Ang. All of them leave Alor Star in early September. Who else in Alor star still? This afternoon I went to Klinik Kesihatan Simpang Kuala. As predicted, have to spend some time that can make your neck longer. Then I played my android 手机三国. My first time play kind of computer game and addicted to it after then. The clinic has not many people, but I wonder what are the reasons that make everything runs so slow. All showed a sleepy face as if had a terrible nightmare during yesterday night. Each department took me more than half an hour. Yet, I have not finish all my test and I still have to go for urine test tomorrow, darn it. The most unpleasant thing was during body weight measuring, my weight increases 5kg, hurt enough to let me bang the wall. Today I discuss something with a friend. I asked my friend, why I was being nice with my friends but they seemed din't care at all, am I that bad? Then my friend told me "Do you know, '

Chinese Opera

Last week I was guai shiong shan by 任剑辉 and 白雪仙. Dai Nui Fa was my first movie that I watched and could understand the story when I was 4. My second movie is 'tong bak fu dim chao hiong'. My childhood was spent on movies and dramas together with my beloved granny. That time my parents worked from day till night. I not really had friends in kampung. My father did not allow me to mix with Malay neighbours. But I still always rode bicycle with a Malay friend. Last week, I suddenly feel like want to sing a special song. then I learn Vitas' Opera II. Gosh, I lowered 5 keys still feel very hard to hit the notes. Then I also tried cantonese opera song. I only familiar with one song which is Dai Nui Fa. Dad: Ei, your son was singing cantonese opera song. @.@ Mom: Huh? Real or not. Why I couldn't recognise his voice.

Learn something from drama

Each day I have spent hours for Hong Kong TVB drama. I have finished 20 episods of 'House Of Harmony And Vengeance' and 'Back to the Three Kingdoms'. Myolie Wu and Linda chung are leading dancers in 'House Of Harmony And Vengeance' who always have endless conflicts. Raymond Lam (Chukot Leung) and Kenneth Ma (Szema Shun)are partners in 'Back to the Three Kingdoms'. Why I mention four of them? Because I watched these two dramas together and I found a big big contrast between these two drama. Chukot Leung and Szema Shun they trust each other very much and solve all the problems. While Myolie Wu and Linda Chung used to be best friends but Linda Chung seems never trust her friend for many times. Each small misunderstanding can cause so much harm to each other. It kind of irritated me at first. However, I feel that the friendship between the two girls is more realistic. Many times we will only think for ourselves and protect ourselves from those we think who are friends but actually they are fake ones. On the other hands, the friendship between Raymond Lam and Kenneth Ma is too ideal. For example, in the drama, Kenneth Ma saw a 'sok' girl, I thought he will reserve for himself, but in fact, he wants to introduce the nice girl to Raymond Lam whose wife is so sick. Ehm, I doubt about this story line. But other part, we can see how they help each other and this kind of friend is of one in a million. My past friends in life just taught me lessons to be mean and careless to others. But, sometimes I still feel hurt, because I still care. After watching the drama, I feel like I as if Linda Chung, just can be a friend in need but not a friend indeed. I watched till 20 epidsod, I wanna know how would she change to be a better person, I also want to learn.

夜夜夜夜

Tonight I cant sleep again. When I sing this song, again, I think back a lot... “一开始我聪明结束我聪明 聪明的几乎的毁掉了我自己 想问天问大地或者是迷信问问宿命 放弃所有抛下所有 让我飘流在安静的夜夜空里。。。”

Companion

This afternoon I went to high court to find Pesuruhanjaya sumpah with Chia. HuiChyi, my personal lawyer (perasan sendiri) asked me to go Balisha shopshouse there to take oath. Hihi, to save money,eventually we went to Alor Star High Court. After that we went to Hospital Sultananh Bahiyah. Thinking that we can do medical check-up there, they said this hospital have no such service, please go to Klinik Kesihatan Perbandaran which was used to be Hospital Besar Alor Star. After wasting so much time, the persons in charged ask us why don't we do it at Klinik Kesihatan Simpang Kuala which is so near to our house since they will carry out all the tests for us including x-ray. Haha, true also... Kt now has owned a smartphone, Owen just got his new Ipad. It seems that can send free message to more and more people. Chia and Sudharma was asking me about sumsung galaxy. Next month I will have more androidmates. Sudharma suddenly told me that he missed those day having meal together with CK and Janice them. The same goes to me too. We are now staying home and feel free to think about those memories. I also missed the days during form 6, when having breakfast together with friends before tuition and having lunch together after tuition. Every week before attending Bio tuition class, few friends will leave our bag in the class and went out to makan roti canai at mamak stall. =) I sang this song just now and the feeling of frustration attacks and hits me again. 一個我 需要夢想 需要方向 需要眼淚 更需要 一個人來 點亮天的黑 我已經 無能為力 無法抗拒 無路可退 這無聲的夜 現在的我 需要人陪

My story

旅途有苦有乐， 但总是觉得苦难常伴我， 怀揣久违的梦想。 寂寞孤单常伴我身旁. 试问爱在何方？ 我还有付出多少心房？ Yesterday my mum's worker suddenly approach me and tell me, 'When you find a suitable girl, you must start without any delay already, you are not young anymore and you will find harder to find one once you start working.' I stunned for a while and replied her with a smile, 'Eh, the girls nowadays hard to rear.' My mum responced, 'Ya, true!' Ang a kepo aunty started talking 'fat kai'...'Next time when you are married, you must be filial to your parents. If you are truly cultivated, you will know that's your responsibility to take care of your parents. Wife is nothing, you can change it any time but you can't change your parents. Wife is the one who can stay naked in front of you, but parents wont. So you must not be deceived by the superficial thing...bla bla bla' I interrupted, 'Aunty, why you talk about those things as if I never show respect and filiality to my parents?' She still kept talking 'buddish' and I thought she was 'zao fo yap mo' so I ran away, so sorry. Today I did nothing again, lying on bed and playing with my phone. Maybe it's true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives. Now I want my friends back again even though I might be nothing to them. But sometimes it's better to be alone , than being with someone who makes you feel alone. Today talk to sailou TS and he told me, to be stay true to yourself because there are very few people who will always be true to you. It's so true, as I also don't know how many people are true to me. One thing that makes me don't understand is, he can share so many private things with me, yet telling me 'Don't tell other people har'. Don't he trust me only share with me, do he? No doubt this sailou can share most private thing with me, but I never share mine with him. I feel that after so many years already, I still can't trust my friends. Am I in a disease state? Another sailou, yesterday, surprisingly, able to reply message and say something touched. His story made me think of myself last year when I was alone. I can feel what he feels at home, but the difference is, at least, he has his loved one, while me, just can face my laptop and listen to music like they are my girlfriends. and I started to hate those who left me alone. The intensity of loneliness incresed, when you know your best friend busy to kao lui and forget about you or don't want you to be a light bulb. What to do is just have to wait for friends who were free then can sms you asking for a meal. So, this is how I know Jos, TS, and Lily. I'm always that passive, because this is the only way that can avoid from rejection and disappointment. Once you have been rejected for a few times, it's a human nature that know how to protect ourselves from getting hurt again.

Old pictures

Once upon a time, This photo was taken with my 'kai ba' and 'kai ma'when I was born. 1 year old. I always be my sister's free photograph model. 2 years old when I was still chubby. 4 years old at KFC. Becoming a slim 5-year-old-boy My Buddies He was my neighbour. He always came to my house. My first malay friend My eldest nephew who is 5 years younger than me. I was shy when he called me 'jiu jiu' when we studied in the same primary school. My cousin's girlfriend (now become my ah sou) and her brother and sister. I was so tiny. My good cousin who looks like Daniel Wu Yin-Cho now. My birthday I celebrate my birthday every year until 7 years old when I moved to new house. This was my first birthday. Second birthday My 4th birthday, celebrate together with my cousin, our birthdays are close to each other. Again, two cakes for 2 leng zai. Many people said I look like him now. My 6th Birthday with my granny. She stayed with me and play chor dai 2 with me every day. This let me train myself how to cheat and keep big 2 for myself. She passed away when I was still in primary school. I never cried in front of anyone but my first tear drop in front of public when she left me. She is the best people I ever meet. Since then, I become a lonely guy at home. Hong Kong drama becomes my accompanion.

Waiting

Ten years ago, who am I? One year ago, who am I? Even yesterday, who am I, is not important. I still have to move on alone, waiting someone who can accept my past, support my present, love me and encourage my future. I may look like doing nothing, but actually I'm actively waiting for my fade. =)

To be or not to be

Yesterday I wanted to seach for some images in Google to have an idea on how to decorate my graduation photo album cover. I didn't find any good designs, surprisingly, I found a picture where the person inside was wearing a graduation rope which was so similar to mine and his face looked like Kevin. I entered the blog and Oh my Gosh, that's absolutely Kevin with his father. I had a look in his dad's blog talking about his son and found that this person is quite cute, funny and brilliant. After reading this, I realise that sometimes, we need to step outside, look further, take a deep breath and remind ourselves of who we are and who we want to be. Who we want to be doesn't mean we want to be somebody else and work as hard as they can to fulfill thier dream. I once want to be as hardworking as other, I planned to study till 2-3am at midnight. After few days, I gave up to be somebody, I decided to be my ownself again. It's not lazy but I think I'm crazy if I study in such unhealthy way. Eventually, I promise myself to sleep before 12 everyday if possible until now, unless I think there are some important things that I have to keep myself awake. I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime. I always wonder the real me is acceptable or not. I'm not popular, but I have a list of good friends. I'm not rich but I have what I need. I may not be liked, but I wish so. frankly speaking, it's better to have enemy who honestly tell you that he hate you rather than having a friend who always putting you down secretly. It's really very hard for me to find a true friends with no intention and can make you happy. On the other hand, waiting for someone to make you happy is the best way to be sad. *sigh*

Ignorance

This week, my best friend complaint about his relationship with his girlfriends. After listening to their story, in conclusion, some people can hurt us by words or by actions, but the biggest hurt is ~being ignored. I quite agreed with this statement, but the thing that makes me feel funny is he is the one who always ignore my message haha. I once complaint about the ignorance, but it seems there is no change in attitude, so I don't want to talk more regarding this anymore because I know our tongues have no bone, but they are strong enough to a person angree, it's beter to be careful with our words. Furthermore, spending today complaining about the past will not make tomorrow any better. Love the moment including the darkness. During those dark times in our l;\ife, we are given wisdom and clarity to learn from the experience and walk away a better version of ourselves. Without those obstacles, we do not know how nice is our future, and we would not be as strong as what we could have been. We must give ourselves a chance, and leave no room for regrets. At the same time when we have been went through hard times and come out the other side, look around us, the people still there are your true friends. =)

something good

I have many things that i want to keep.in this blog, but i am too lazy to type it out. Writing something using a handphone is much more time wasting than uaing a laptop. There are many things I have not updated my blog, eg. My convocation, my trip to kl, my tears of joy, my sadness recently,. Anyway, everyday may not be good, but there is still something good in a day.

never look back

Jenwin, never look back. If Cinderella went to pick up her shoe, she would not have become a princess.

graduation photo

Yerterday, i went to take family portrait with my parents and my sister's family in Bukit Mertajam. It is our first time and quite enjoyable. I look fat in the photo, what to do? We only can choose eight photos from those hundreds of shooting, feel like being cheated. But, as compared with others, this package is still acceptable. RM299 includes a 12x15 inches and a 8R photo with frames, a small photo albums with eight photos, free one person full make up. I took the same package with Sara.

how do i live

I want to live such a way that any one speakly badly about you, but no one would believe it. I hink that we do not need to change friends,.if we understand that friend changes.

worth or not

Today I didnt control my mood well. But, every thing was over. I dont need thier explanation any more as I feel disappointed for many times. No everybody is going to know how to appreciate everything you have done for them. You have to figure out by yourself who is worth your kindness. I want to give up now. Just come back from haitouki after chui shui with friends.not easy to gather I think.i plan to sleep by 10pm every night but apparently I am a failure for this.

sor zai

This afternoon I went for hair cut. The boss, Alvin went vto Bangkok. His assistant gave me a surprise that he cut a sor zai head fot me. I didnt know it can be so sor zai. I need to wear a cup when I want to step out from my house. Next monday I am going to attend rehearsal in kl. Hopefully my hair can grow faster. Monday morning, I plan to take breakfast with sailou. Giving priority for ck but he gave no response. He told me it's hurt when he didnt received reply message. It's same for me. Perhaps, he has too many uncertainties, so I start to ignore you. I asked another sailou. But he has 8am class. Reply was fast. "You wake me up ba" yesterday night, Shee Hui asked me to go Combodia. I rejected. She understood why I reject. For other friends they just keep saying I am jual mahal. They think that I dont want to join means dont want to be friends with them. Fine, I really feel tired to change their thought, and I am not able to do so too. Not .going to joke with them anymore,. Later someone will knock my head or call me stupid. ALL KL people is like that? I really have bad perception towards KL citizens. They are not approuchable. There is a gap in between. Nice to them you will not be remembered, but if hurt them once, you will not be forgiven. I feel scared.

graduating

Haha. Yesterday morning, I received messages from friends'Result is out, posted by mis kitty~ I was so panic and feel like finding a hand to hold. I prayed hard and I know the result will affect me a lot a lot. I believed I can pass as I did not did any big mistake in my supplementary paper. Yet, I was still in anxiety state. When I saw my result, I was so relieved as if putting down a heavy stone. The happiest news, of cause, I shared with my mum at the first place. And I also told my fellow friends who concern about my result and give me support recently. I dont always need advices, sometimes I just need some support, a friend to hug, an ear to listen and a heart to understand. Coming out with friends these few days really made my mood becoming better and better. I am not transparent, at least I cant feel my existence, hometown is better. Now I start feeling busy for my happy life, I have no time to think back, regret, hate or fear. I love to see friends hitting the 'like' button of my post. I like to see the 'congratulation' word. Now I start planning how to pay my graduation fee, which photo studio to go by asking my sailouss and son, planning when to go kl for briefing and take the gown, planning when to return the gown and so on...

love and hate

What happened to my Whatsapp, it cannot receive messages. I realised it when I was told by a friend. I dont know how to fix it. Today someone told me something and I like it very much. I am not sure can it be applicable for me or not. It says, love me or hate me , both are in my favour. If you love me, I will always be in your heart. If you hate me, I will always be in your heart. And never invest too much emotion at.one thing becauae if you do, you will end up.hurting yourself.

stranger-to-be

Today I just finished my supplementary paper in ucsi. After that I went to see PHC training for a while. Luckily CK is in KL, at least I,can have a good shelter although he seemed inconvinient. I tried to ask for another time but seems not being welcomed with giving no responce. I feel like I am getting more and more strange towards my sailou. Sailou is a word is that word that I never use to call him for very long.I feel his changes. He never plays joke with me like last time. He like to ignore. He likes to use ignorance to stop a conversation.At first, I cant accept the No responce to sms knowingly the handphone is always stick to him. Not the same person i ever know or actually i dont really know him in the beginning. Will our friendship ends after my convo? I am not in his gang, anything happen i wont be informed. It seems no difference for a person who get a girlfriend. Only gf is the world the other just can be ignored. I once think of ignore this person but he is my best friend in KL, how can i take revenge. Even if I wanna take revenge, I also dont have the chance to so so, since I seldom get a smg from my sailou already.every sem break we never keep in touch as well.Just accept it and never wish myself can be appreciated anymore. I really wish he can change back. A person that can always smile but not always,emo. I still want this best friend. But i really dont like to text him anymore. He doesnt care and i cant tolerate it. Anyway, he helps me this time, i dont like to owe my friend, what can I do in return?

on bus

Blogging on bus, yeng. Heading to KL now with nervous. I want to pass my exam. I am stil not well prepared.

The day before going to KL

Today I start studying. My progress is freaking slow as I have no mood to study at all. Today I received some jia you message haha. Damn warm. Iongling some more.ask me to go for tong shui but I rejected her. I don't feel like staying longer in KL as I feel it will create some problems. Don't know why always feel like my presence is a trouble . I am worry about too many things because of lack of comfirmation and lack of trust and faith as well. My heart and my mind think differently, what a joke. Today afternoon I wasted my time for chatting with sailou again. Start from a simple photo, until gossiping about our secondary best buddy and at last he asked my to buy his father's pharmacy. Haha. Haha he has 3 siblings but none of them have interest in this field. Tomorrow mid night I am going to depart from here. No one would remember, so I wish you a safe trip, jenwin. Today I have learnt one thing. There is no such happy place in this worth. However, it lives some happy human beings. If you are a happy person, no matter where you go, it would be a happy place. -jenwin-

feeling good without phobia

Today I got a news brought by my friend, saying that Mis Kitty will make sure the result of my supplement paper will be released the week before convocation. Even though I ave not pass my exam, but it is a good news still. The best feeling in the world today is knowing that your friends were happy together with me when I share my happiness with them. This joy cannot be brought by family members. Only those crazy friends will hug you when they are too excited and cannot control themselves. Miss those crazy days. I gonna go back to KL soon. SIIit in the bus alone heading to a place that bring me a lot of phobias. MacDonophobia, lonelinophobia, supppaperophobia, insomnophobia, lazinessphobia, dissapointedphobia, ect......

lesson

What is the different between school and life. In school, you are taught a lesson and given a test. In life, you are given a test to taught you a.lesson. I am agree with this and I have learn a tonne of lessons in my life.

leisure time

I can hear my supp paper is calling me. Yet I'm still lying on my bed, feeling stressful and helpless. I chat with ts for more than 2hours to released stress. Few years ago, I chat with my buddy like this, there are endless topics. But once having a girlfriend, both the guy and the girl changed. The girl's best friend complaint about her. But I the have no one to complain, so i swallow it into my stomach.And I ask myself will I be the same as them? Now I think I would not be like that to certain people but to some , I will just haizzzz... last week I meet a lot a lot of my secondary school best friends. As friendly as previously. No much change in appearance and attitud.e. thwing that i am not very get used to is the way they reply message can be so fast. Which means I also have to reply them asap. If not I will feel ashamed and being scolded. They stull can create lots of jokes. I like jokes. Kl students are very sensitive to.jokes so cannot simply play jokes with them. I am quite happy with my old friends who cherris my a lot. Thanks sheayee for accompanying me online while he was doing nothing at there. Thank boonping for 8gua'ing with me for 3 hours at Uncle John. Now all leave alor star already, so I also dont want to go to search for free wifi already. I subscride hotlink internet. Rm2 to access facebook for 2 days. I should buy 100gb at Rm2, which is more worthy. The day without internet I slept earlier than the normal day. I feel sleepy now again. hihi

Pass the Past

I clean up my room and and I these drawings. I drew these 11 and 6 years ago, respectively. The first picture was my first girl I drew using water colour and the latter one was the second last coloured girl I drew. I'll draw some girls every year. Their faces will be uploaded when I have the internet access. The last girl I drew was during Uni time when I feel bored. Sometimes I also sketched some girls during lectures. I liked drawing since 4 years old. Till now still got a few costumers came to my shop and asked my mum 'Is that your son who always draw dragon when he was small. He is very talented, I know he will be a successful man in future.'

Apart form that, I've been singing on stage on my sister's wedding when I was 5. I was very nervous that time, I still could remember. My father's didn't support me to draw or sing. He banned me from drawing and singing for many years. He was very conservative during that time and keep telling me, singing and drawing wont bring you a better future, reading books has a brighter one and more realistic one. Because of that, I stealthily do the things that I like to do. I practiced Chinese calligraphy by my ownself since no one could fetch me to attend classes. I listened to radio everyday because I like music very much. Also, because of transportation problem, I can't attend Extra Mathemathics class during weekend. My teaches purposely asked me to join the math class but I disappointed her. I learned Math by my own. During secondary school, I hadn't give up yet, I still had passion in Maths. I online search for Maths questions. I tried many many types of questions of different level. I can spent a whole day just to solve a question. Finally, I participated in Math competition at school level. I didn't do well, but I was given the chance to attend the Maths class. In form 3, I participated in National Olympiad Mathematics, the very first time participated for this national competition and compete with Form 3 and Form 4 students. There were only 5 questions and I managed to do 3 1/2 out of 5, and hence I got an 'honourable mention'. Only 45 people can get it nationwide. This made me much crush on Maths and I get the same price in the following years. Too bad I was not chosen to join a better group, if not, I could get 'tempat pertama berpasukan'.

Time flies, I never think that I will go to biology stream, and I also never think that I will be taking pharmacy course. A friend told me not to waste my time during holidays, I felt a bit angry because he made me feel guilty and made me look down myself, made me feel useless. Anyway, I just want to live happily, I just want to do what can made me happy, I don't really care if the activities is a waste of time or not. I like to look at the screen, reading some blogs, comment on some photos, and I know what am I doing. I like singing, I learn and sing new songs. I don't like football and computer games even it's a guy's stuff, and I won't force myself to love it or learn it. I anti dota and other games since long ago because there's a story behind.

I don't understand how can I change my thinking out of sudden. I talk so differently nowadays. I can't believe what I've told Yuen Si yesterday. I didn't hate anyone anymore. Am i return the original me in form 3? If real then good. Come back to hometown, I really feel happy, and I don't know what is sad now. My prison life in KL gave me a dark shadow. Time asked me to forgive everyone and know some new friends when old friends can't accept you. I start feeling sorry with someone. I pity her a lot when I see many one leave her alone. Be strong, girl, just be the original you, don't care what people thinks, they just make you suffer more.
The most beautiful is when people appreciates the original you, and you're comfortable enough to behave like one.

千万不要因为走的太久，而忘记了我们为什么出发.

Changes

I feel like nothing to do, but I am so busy, maybe that's the excuse of laziness. I tidied up my room this afternoon. I found many cards and presents in secondary school. Really miss those days.Few presents are from xiao mei mei, I not even could remember it. I just know I played with xiao mei mei before. All those people i knew them friendater. Still rember every night and even during tuition also was busy with sms.When grew older, no more facebook no more xiao mei mei already. But every morning before class started, SY will jio me wandering around school to kap lui...yomg how fun was secondary school life, no worries, no stress, got support from parents and brothers. I never hate anyone that time, hard to make me angry. But now, I become very sensitive and very 'small gas'. If a person disappoint me without saying sorry, I will not treat that person as a good friend anymore. Why I changed so much

No faith

I said I will quit facebook, but today I've spent a lot of time for it. Other than Fb, I don't know what else I can do when I lay down on my bed. Today is not a happy day, I feel very 'fan'. This morning my mum met 4 Malays and her gold necklace was roped. So many stuff to 'fan' today by my nieces, my house owner, my mum schedule and many more. Eventually I decide to go KL on next Monday. I feel so bored and fan at night, wanna find somebody to keng gai to balance my mood, but don't know find who. Find sailou kit, aiya find wrong person, say wrong thing kua no reply, haiz I'm always nothing to him only need help got value. Find sailou Seng, as expected, reply very fast, can talk nonsense with, really can release stress, but cannot keng sam si. Only kit and keet can keng sam si, too bad no boobs no reply even though really use heart to treat them like brothers. Next week sailou Yi come back from Singapore. A 'yeah' in my heart. finally can hang out already. The life without girlfriend is like that, like a gay lou finding brothers to talk with. But friendship won't last long. Maybe after 3 months you will become a trash even though hoping they will not. I've no faith and I'm tired. That's why I want to sleep now

Supp

This morning keep refreshing the webpage, I was so crazy when the result can’t be seen. I was so panic for the whole morning, until I was not able to take a nap in the afternoon. I’ve never had this kind of feeling before. Yesterday night, I made 2 dreams. The first dream was I got 2 subjects fail. The second dream was like the real condition now. The first dream is horrible, I woke up because I was too scared. I sms Jos and Sailou as I really felt very bad.

Now, I get my result. I’m no longer panic. I stay calm and start planning what to do, and start to think how if my plan fails. It’s time to seek for some help. Asking somebody to register for me, how to bank in, who to keep my slip and when can pass to me, asking somebody to ask Ms Kitty when is the date for supplement paper, planning when to go and where to stay and the duration.

ChengCheng was the first person who phone me, followed by HanCheng and brothers. Some kept sms me who made me so busy for replying. All telling me the same thing, ‘No worry, You can make it’. I listened till sien. I also know I must not be sad, I must not worry much. But, how? I wish somebody can tell some jokes or other means which can make me happy. But, after getting my result, I received the truth immediately, because I already know I might fail, and I just hope miracle will happen. None of the Bangkok friends could understand it and what in their mind was about how I ffk. I received thousands of sms but no one really console me, just asking me to do my best. Only few makes me feel so touched, HC asked me for supper, Wennie asked me whether I need to talk, CK offers me accommodation. My failure can gain so much concern, this worth a lot. I suddenly feel like not that bad, I console those people when there is no people concole me, as I know their feeling well. So far, there are 10 people whom I know, taking supp with me, I’m not alone and at least better than someone who has to retake the subject next year.

Shadow

My Digi data is so slow and I'm quite lazy to online. I can't online too much. It would be like this for these coming 6 months. I used my internet data for accessing Youtube in my TV to sing karaoke. These few days tried new songs and sing non-stop. Unbelievably, I joined those uncle and aunty, sang in a public room specially designed for those old folks who like to sing. Days passed very fast, I totally forgot about my result. Until yesterday night, I feel nervous again. I know the fact can't be changed, but I'm still hoping something good happen to me. My heartbeat was extremely fast in these morning. I recalled what Ms. Kitty has told me, I recalled my first F in my life, and I was depressed for few hours. The only cure is music.

For this moment I have nothing to write in my blog. I not yet miss my friends, everyday is just like a normal day.  Never feel sad for so many days. Just a bit unhappy with some late replies, but it's still ok, because I'm also that kind of person. I salute WC and TS for their fast reply within one minute, no matter when the message is sent. They make me feel guilty when I cant reply message in time.  WC must be cursing me for some times.

Tonight talkbox rings again. Some familiar voices are running in my ears. I miss them but they are busy with their career and life already. Yesterday I also received  messages from sailou, as usual, received only when he's sad. So, I must wish him always sad. Last week told him something regarding a word called 'forever'. Start feeling guilty by mentioning this word again. 5 years ago, this word killed me slowly and I've made a same mistake again. Apparently I'm not strong enough, I'm still live in a dark shadow, I can't escape from the incident     happened 5 years ago. It changed my personalility from time to time, I can feel my abnormalility now. When everyone disappoint me, I also disappoint everyone. Don't know who really understand why I ffk, why I don't want to go Bangkok even though it can said to be the first and last graduation trip.

I think I wanna learn from TK. I wanna disappear in this world for a period of time. No MSN no Facebook No foursquare, put my hp apart, is it possible? I was so active in those stuffs because I'm too lonely, I'm finding true friends and seek for a little concern. Now I came back home, my sister and nieces stay in my house next week, I'm no longer alone. So, please, let me pass my exam, I am too scared staying in KL, I'm too scared being alone and watching other live happily but not me. I just want a simple life now, reorganise my mood, change my belief, make new friends, forget the pass, start new life and blog as usual. It's time to change my blog setting.

Bye Bye Mood

Seetheng had taught me 1 thing yesterday and it's quite useful. When you're alone at home, when you feel lonely, just on the music out loud. And I did it and it worked. Never know it can be so enjoying. No sad song for tonite yeah~

This morning I went to Kuchai Lama, the place that I used to go. Still can remember, first time being there was for celebrating Dr Lim's birthday with Yuensi and Chunkit at WinSoon fishhead noodle shop. Today I went there again. The difference is I went there alone this time, many memories poped out in my mind. I've been there with Tzemin and lily's gang for JoJo Ban Mee. I've been there once for noodle that Simon described as a noodle that can jump in your mouth, can't remember with whom I went. I've been there for flowflake with CK. I've once with TS and Diana at hawker stalls after going back from stadium. I've been there with YS at Chili Padi. I've been to Chong Qing Chicken Pot with lily and her friend. I've been there twice with KeanTatt and LaiPeng them at Taipei Walker. I've been having buffet at Shabu shabu with Weikit and Sudharma. I've been there twice with CK and once with LeeLean at Vege shop. Other than those few times, I almost alone there. Today I walked around there and took some photos. I don't want to come here anymore, I want to pass my exam.

This afternoon, I keep login GSC for 30 minutes but I failed. My Digi line is a damn thing, and my Streamyx  has been cut because we never pay the bill. Without hesitation, I took my car key and heading to Mid Valley. It's not hard at all to get a single ticket. I watched Avengers, the movie that everyone has watched. One couple, seeing me alone, asking me whether the seat beside me was available or not. They doubt that I'm watching movie alone. Yeah, so what, I'm so down and I just wanna watch a movie to make myself happier, why they made me more down? I'm so stressed in the afternoon, I was worried about my result. After the movie, I feel better. 2 girls had approved my friend request. One of them, a more friendly one, started to talk nicely to me. I smiled a while, and i know this is a better ending. I should thank her instead, she let me see the real personalities of others, the so-called brothers. Anyways, it will come to a halt  when I leave KL.

I'm going back with Jos tomorrow. He asked for dimsam as breakfast in the morning. I feel like asking my bro to go along. But when I think twice, I zip my mouth again. I'm really scare that being rejected even for the very last time. I'm more afraid that he used money constrain as an excuse. He's willing to spend with his gang because he think it worth it. But, to me...I have experienced once, he just kept quiet and I get hurt enough that I dare not ask again on the days onwards. Till now, I still don't know who am I. I born to be accompany those lonely souls and end up I'm the loneliest pity guy eventually.

I moved my stuff up and down for uncountable times. Thanks TS for offering help but I don't need help I think. Few hours later, I will stay in my air-con room and watch drama everyday. I planned to quit Fb, as it only brings sadness to me nowadays. I dare not open the photo albums to see how happy are those people. The feeling of FFK is even worst. It can be said to be my first time give a big FFK. Some people may ask why, but some never. Those never are my housemates, they never concern about the thing other than them perhaps. I hope my ffk is wrong, if my ffk is right decision, that means I have to take supp paper for my exam. Can someone console me please, instead of saying I'm crazy as what I've received in my phone just now.

Last

Yo...leaving KL soon. The only thing that irritated me the most before I KL was being deleted by two persons in Fb. Tonight, I'm alone at home. I calm myself down and I added the two girls in Fb. The approval is not so important now. I just do whatever I think I can do before leaving KL, I shouldn't let them affect my mood.

Yesterday I went out with Wennie and Seetheng. they brought me to Zanmai Sushi. This was my first time and it's also one of the places that I wish to go before saying bye bye to KL. A wonderful night hanging out with them. We went to KTZ while Kuen, Jos and Jonathan joined afterwards. At least I spent my whole day with friends but not alone. I planned to go on Tuesday at first. I changed my mind to Friday because I still wanna meet those people.

Today afternoon was my last time sing k at Neways with a bunch of random friends, using student ID to get 50% discount for the very last time. During singing, I looked at them, I asked myself, when can I meet them again? When can I sing k again? I suddenly feel so down. I hope the time can move slower, so that I can enjoy my hobby for a longer period. Thank god, today sailou was not going out with his gang, so that I can pull him out to sing k with me. this is the first time and I strongly believe that it will be the last as well. Very luckily today is his off day, if not he definitely will choose his gang instead of mine. Tonight we didn't talk much face to face but it will be the longest as compared to future. During convocation day, I might not have so much time to talk with. Surprisingly, my nose felt sour for some times. Whenever I recall the gala night video, I feel so touched and also feel so reluctant. It's quite surprise that he would say those words. He is really a good friend, just too bad that I do not belong to his gang. I just can see how happy are they and how lonely am I. So thank God again, sometimes he might feel like his is not in the gang, so that i have chance to talk with. Haha, being selfish for so long, now I really wish him can mix well in his gang and don't think negatively like me anymore. The difference is he is still trying to mix with, but I never trust anyone, and my heart is dead for too long already.

Tonight is a lonely night, as usual, after gala night, everynights were the lonely nights. I feel like going to pasar malam tonight for the last time, but, in fact, I want somebody to accompany me. If not, I scare I will be damn emo in pasar malam. I will never forget last semester I walked alone in pasar malam every week. It's not a pleasant experience. So my last decision is, staying at home and blogging, at least it's more meaningful than wandering around alone in pasar malam.

Tomorrow, again, alone at home, packing my stuff and prepared myself going back to Alor Star.

Sleep Paralysis

Initially I thought that after Gala Night I can write some happy stuffs in my blog. That's only what I think. But, in fact, I feel very scare now. I'm helpless. Staying at home for whole day yesterday and something unpleasant thing happened to me. I feel something was approaching me when I was sleeping. I know I shouldn't think in such a way. And since I was small I really don't believe it. I always said, it never happen to me before, how can I believe it. Yesterday, it was a scarynight. I heard some horrible noice, and i kept sleeping. I suddenly felt a heavy pressure over me, some invisible force started choking me. I can open my eye, but my pillow covered my eyesight, and I saw nothing. I want to puch away the pillow but no matter how, I was not able to do so. It last for few minutes and I am sure I'm in conscious. The few minutes can make me remember for a lifetime. When I regained my movement, to my surprise, I feel that my whole body is very numb. I felt very cold and I keep silvering and I was breathing really fast. I text sailou to prove that I was not dreaming. Today when i woke up, I see the message again, ya, I'm not dreaming. Today the whole morning, I can feel like I am so weak, so blur and have no interest in doing any thing. I bang my car when I was parking. This is holy shit, how can this happened to me. It's just parking a car at my parking slot at Angkasa Condo, which I did for thousands times in these 3 years. If i'm going to repair it, I have to spend rm600 for it. It's so hurt. I lost my camera charger which cost me 100+ and now this costs me even more. My haert is so pain now. I am still cant forgive my carelessness. By right, I have a movie to watch in this afternoon, I can't make it now, I feel stress, some rest is needed. I phoned my mum and she called me pray. I want somebody accompany me seriously. I dare not cover my face during sleeping now. I'm afraid that the force paralyses me again and put the pressure on my pillow. Tonight I have to face it alone again. I'm the only one at home. Please pray for me.

shirt

Finally, i get my shirt. It's white which I don't really like. Since I have no time to shop for better shirt with price, I just bought it. Tonight I had my very last dinner with childish sailou. Bye bye.

Learn

Today I did nothing again. I am addicted to Tetris Battle. The day after tomorrow I have another paper, but the holiday mood seems start once gao dim clinical clerkship paper today. I've not enough sleep yesterday. Anyways, take SeeTheng who wake me up at midnight. She is such a good girl. she misscalled me twice, bu I didn't wake up. She Line'd me, but I didn't see the message. She scared I cant recieve the line message, sms me through Digi. I have no choice, I have to wake up to thank her. I've never feel so touched for so long. I get so numb by the environment since last year. Seldom people chit chat with me anymore. I never receive sweet messages like secondary school anymore. When a person get older, he has to accept the fact that he is no longer in secondary school. When you see your secondary schoolmates whom you always stay together with, now, they have their own life, living in different country, stay apart from you, and will get married one day, then you only know, you are also in the same path, moving together, adapting a new life, changing accordingly. Tonight, as usual, looking at the 4 walls, telling myself, this will come to an end, this is the last week, enjoy your loneliness, be prepared of saying goodbye to Angkasa Condo which you always imagine it as a prison. Wipe all your tears, don't leave any stain even you accidentally drop any. Forgive all people who disappointed you, forgive those leave you alone, be thankful to those who cherish you, appreciate those in hometown waiting for you silently and patiently. I love you, my parent. Because I come to KL, I feel like I love you more. Forgive me if I did anything wrong. I will learn to control myself. I will. Oh ya~ Today I heard a good news. Haha, it's a good news only if it happened in this semester. Luckily, I'm leaving soon, if not, I will experience the same thing happened in 2 years ago. My prediction was never wrong. That's why I always feel that I'm clever enough to stay away and protect myself. I know my prediction will be correct, so I easily get emo after thinking of a lot of things. But now, once getting know the answer, I feel nothing already. No feeling because of no surprise, no feeling because it's none of my business anymore. But, still very happy when someone say thank you to you when actually you really want to help that person. I don't know when I my turn, but I'm sure she will be my everything.

Butt

I didn't chat in facebook for weeks. Once I saw friend request, I'm a bit excited and curious to know who was the person. walao eh~~~ I saw a big butt~~~

However, it doesn't boost my study mood. The butt has made me feel lonely. Only the butt wanna friend with me. I can't concentrate in my study even though I know next week I will be free from study life. I dare not ask people to go out to have a meal anymore. I know I'm still afraid of something. Something that can affect my mood for the whole night. Never try, never know. Since I don't want to know, so I won't try. =)

F day to be memorised

My first F in my life. F is not F**K, but 'Fail' in my quiz. I have no idea what happen to me. How could it be? And I'm the only one who get the title of Mr. F. I've no mood to study now. I didn't do well in my exam just now, will I fail another time? I really miss home now, I feel like crying, nobody knows. It's not easy to suffer alone. How nice if got some one can tell jokes to me and make me happy for this moment. I never know it can happen to me. What an unpleasant experience. Luckily at night, TS crapped with me to release my stress. These few nights I went to his house for studying. If not, I don't think I can study at night when i was alone in my room.

Pain

I've eye sore for 2 days. Cause = unknown, but can be due to long fringe？ Yesterday stayed at TS's house until 4am then go back my house due to the pain. Tonight the pain score increases. So I plan to sleep at 11 =)

Be thankful

A photo uploaded by my idol, Jasmine Yow. It's such a great saying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Be thankful for what you have, you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough. Tonight TS asked me to go over his house to study. The first one who knows I can't study at night and asked me to over his house. This is why I always cherish my sailou. I don't care others talking about his bad side. As far as i know, he craps with me without manifesting any intentions.

Best friends still

Wow, blogger changes setting, it makes me so blur~~ I really don't why "Are you ok?" can be so powerful. It's just a simple question which I never answer "I'm not ok" For me, I don't understand what is meant by 'ok'. If a girl cries non-stop, and when she stop crying, can it said to be ok? If someone feel very emo and do something and make him happy, is he ok then? I rather like people ask 'What happen to you' rather than 'are you ok?' I like this quote, 'Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end.' Today I didn't go to library. It's not a productive day, but at least i didn't feel bad. I disappointed with my friend yesterday and it's weird that the disappointment disappears today just because a message 'Are you ok?' It makes me feel so guilty. If think the positive side, who will wake you up in the morning, who will concern what are going on with you while studying. Only best friend will do so, am I right? Perhaps I ask too much from my friends, I have admitted now. I just too miss the moment when every night, someone will ask me for a dinner or I ask my friend for a dinner. I miss those day when I fetch my friend for dinner. It has been a long time I send a message like : 'Wait, I will reach in 10 mins.' Now, have to wait until Ah Vir is not here or no transpot, then only will ask me out. Actually, I don't mind so much anymore, since it left 3 weeks. And I was too lonely for these 2 sems.I ate too much maggi mee this year. and I also rejected too many times or received late replies too frequent. My personality is also getting worse. But I also learn from this today:

Hokkien song, 夜市人生, in its first and last sentence of the lyrics '人生亲像一出戏' and '人情冷暖愈分愈袂清,世事往往最后才看的明' are so true. We don't know who really treat us sincerely until one day in future you will only can realise it, just that I'm too impatient and want to know it now. My song recorded when I sing k~~ Don't know when can go out sing K again. I still never sing k with many friends. Next time for sure, no more student price for me already.

夏日乐悠悠 Love You You

Today is not a very pleasant. I slept at 11 yesterday and planned to wake up at 4am this morning. I successful to do so, but woke up not for studying. I woke up because I have the feeling of nausea. I feel dizzy as well, luckily I still have panadol on hand. I continued sleeping wishing everything will be ok after I have a good sleep. I feel stress each sudden awakening. I slept for few times and decided to force myself to complete my report. I manage to complete it before 12. I didn't love my health, I went to take McD just because don't want to take my lunch alone. I was thinking of not going to school but I have 2 things to do at school, to get my car key which is not so important but passing up my report is the most important thing. I was like dreaming in the super cold library even though I put on my jacket. And I don't know why I feel sad at library, staying at home is a better choice for today perhaps. My head becomes heavier and heavier. I decided to go back at 5 for a nap. What a bad timing, I saw someone bang my car side mirror. It left a black 'scar' on my mirror.
Reaching home, lying on my bed, emo to death. After 1 hour nap, watch a movie in youtube called '夏日乐悠悠 Love You You'. I thought I will feel better after watching movei, but I didn't. However, I never expect the movie can be so touched, especially the diary part. Whenever I see someone is alone, I will think of myself. The girl is more pityful than me, at least I've my parents' love. By the way, the girl in this movie is super duper pretty. I like this kind of girl, not sexy, not hiao, just nice. After watching this movie I only know the meaning of the lyrics of that song. I've tried to sing this song before during sing k session.


I decide to quit facebook from now onwards. Not because I afraid I will get addicted to facebook but I afraid I will feel sad when I see everyone is so happy on facebook while I am so stress alone. I self-diagnosed with 'borderline personality disorder'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

Dream

I still have no mood to study. I slept at home for the entire afternoon. It's a triring day after coming back from SPA interview. I did receive some wishes today. I thought I will better, but the happiness is still overwhelmed disappointment. Maybe I need some time to recover also.

Today I went to Pasar Malam, don't know is it my last time. I finally bought a purple cover without a magnet for my handphone. It's time to change. I will keep the old one although many people gave a lot of compliments about it. It will become a memory soon. Each memory we keep with care, can bring us future happiness one day. At the same time, let us be aware of each new thing in a brand new day. When we older and we really understand things , and we go though thing then only realize nothing nice and pretty thing can last forever. Sometimes I always feel friendship is just like a flower, which withers away with time. I still fail to be a better man, I fail to let my friend to appreciate me, I fail to trust my friend even though I already tried hard to do so. At the end of day, only my family know my existence. Only my family members can share happiness and sadness together with me. No friends share with me, and I have no friends to share with, that's why I am blogging now. But no worry, I will be ok. I always learn to share my happiness with my own self and share my sadness with my blog. The only drawback is I won't receive any feedback. But, nevermind, I will find friends who will really care for me as I care for them. Or who know, I will find a girl who likes me as I like her =) dreaming la!!!

Time

The night before interview, I should be very nervous. By viewing the comments by the first batch who went to interview this morning, I think I have nothing much can prepare. The scope of questions they ask was wide, ranges from personal stuff to global issues, it depended on their mood. But I still hope some one can give me support, I have no mood and no motivation at all. I think I'm too over, I wish someone can sms me and say something supportive words to me. Haha, I slap myself for my stupidity. Jenwin, you are too weak, why you think like that, even though no one stand by you, you stil have to go through interview and show your best right? Why you keep thinking like a lady. Give you another slap. Even the one that you treated the closest friend will only find you when he is down, once get recovered, you are just a sand in his eye, so what else you still want some more. How frustrating it was, when you beg somebody to take a meal with you and have been rejected immediately, without knowing that we are still able to meet for less than 1 month. How disappointing will it be, when you expected somebody to explain but the person just kept quite, thinking time will explain everything and dilute everything. At the same time, friendship will be diluted as well. I'm still being kind and hurting myself. Why don't be a bit humorous and say or create something that can make people feel better or happy? At least people will not feel that disappointed. Haiz, why I am still concern about those lonely person around me, forgetting that who else will concern about me in return. Sometimes, I offered myself to accompany friends to eat together when I know they are alone. When I am the one who is driving alone, I laugh at myself: Poor Jenwin, you only can mix with those lonely people, once they have their gang, you will not be remembered, you eat alone while they are having fun, you study alone while seeing them study together, you're non-exist when they are happy. So, what I do? I listen to music to relax myself. I watch some online movie to get rid of my boredness. I go for shopping to get the thing that make me happy. I don't like to stay at home and having no mood to do nothing like now. 3 weeks to go, I want to do many things for the last time. I've been to 1Utama for the last time. I've tied my favourite cendol for the last time. I've had my meal at Old Klang Road fort he last time. I plan to go Sri Petaling again for the last time. I want to tried mango cheese cake at Sri Hartamas fort he very last time. I still have many pending stuffs to try before I leave KL. I have never tried Sushi Zanmai, Tao, Sakae Sushi, Madam Kwan, The Beer Factory, sing K at Louderspeaker and Green Box. I also never go for clubbing. I know it's weird to go all those place alone. And I also realised there is no one shopping alone at Mid valley, I'm the most pityful one. And i also know I have no such time to do so many things already.

Shopping

I couldn't remember how long I never go shopping with friends. I remember I always go for shopping when I was sad. So, most probably I went alone. Yesterday I went with Jos and I found a fit-cutting shirt, I'm still thinking whether o buy or not. Will it too simple and plain? Will it be too dark?



Tonight I realise one thing. I always hate to be cheated by friends that I care so much. In fact, it's better to listen some lie that can make you happy rather than see that person keep quite just don't want to tell lie. Previously I hate the former so much and I hope that everyone can tell me the truth like the latter. But now, I start not really like those who always keep quite and put everything inside their mind. It's better to say something, at least can let people happy as long as no harm. I have both kind of best friends, but I still like them, it's very subjective. 只是我找不到他们单纯的面孔。

Tonight I did nothing again after coming back from library. I'm listening for songs and at the same time looks for some songs for Gala performance. Suddenly feel like wanna sing k. I like sad songs, don't know why, may be only sad song can touch my heart?

my song =(


歌詞
當兩顆心開始震動
當你瞳孔學會閃躲
當愛慢慢被遮住只剩下黑
距離像影子被拉拖
當愛的故事像聽說
我找不到你單純的面孔
當生命每分每秒都為你轉動
心多執著就加倍心痛
那些你很冒險的夢　我陪你去瘋
摺紙飛機　碰到雨天　終究會墜落
太殘忍的話我只說　因為愛很重
你卻不想懂　只往反方向走
當愛的故事像聽說
我找不到你單純的面孔
當生命每分每秒都為你轉動
心有多執著就加倍心痛
那些你很冒險的夢　我陪你去瘋
摺紙飛機　碰到雨天　終究會墜落
太殘忍的話我只說　因為愛很重
你卻不想懂　只往反方向走
我不想放手　你鬆開的左手
你愛的放縱　我擺不回天空
我輸了　累了　等你　再也不回頭
那些你很冒險的夢　我陪你去瘋
摺紙飛機　碰到雨天　終究會墜落
太殘忍的話我只說　因為愛很重
你卻不想懂　只往反方向走
你真的不懂　我的愛已降落

Negativity

Tonight I went to Pavilion GSC to watch a Thai ghost movie with Rupert, Cheng and others. At the same time sailou jio makan. I feel like it's like counting down every time we meet. So I attend both. I firstly ate with sailou and friends ad only meet my hometown friends. I am excited today from the day till night. But after movie, I feel lost again. When thinking of tomorrow have to start my reports I feel depressed again. I appreciate silently every time can go out with friends as I know after I leave KL and go back to AS, I only can meet my family members. No friends are staying in AS anymore. When the life of a student comes to an end, I definitely will miss a lot of thing. I miss those day in secondary school when friends stick together with me and how they care for me. Form 6 life was not as good, and Uni life is the most disappointing. When friends has found their own gang, it means that's the time which you will be losing a friend again. This situation keeps repeating throughout my student life, don't know how about others. When I do my report alone, I cant stop myself thinking the days when I was in secondary school when a bunch of friends rushing homework together. Was I too happy in secondary school ,so I think negatively now?

The Last

Today I feel so sleepy, 930pm now and I'm like a dead fish. Going to sleep now even though there are still many pending tasks to be done by tonight. Yesterday morning I went out early to 1 Utama alone and tried the nasi lemak and my most favourite cendol~ yummy~!! This should be the last time I try and I almost take it with tears.




After that, I went for shopping. Once mentioning shopping, all my mood comes back, whatever sadness turn to nothing in no time. Finally, I've decided my attire for Gala Night. No special colour, for example, white for last year. This year I am going to wear entire black. I have not decided what colour to wear inside (not undergarment). My tie is a bit special, unlike the typical style. Regarding the blazer, my gosh, I've spent hours to search for a slim fit and short blazer to suit me. I left 1 Utama with disappointed and heading to Timesquare. Beyond my expectation, I found a blazer which the cutting suits my short body well. The happiest thing ever, is the price, which is less than rm100. Can't imagine the price with its quality. It looks expensive.

Hungry. 10pm. It's time to sleep? Sleep early = wasting time? I need to think what to do tomorrow. Start studying? Movie alone? Sleep for whole day? Shop for Gala dinner?

Somebody's Me

I don't like weekend, seriously don't like weekend, don't like to face walls almost all the time. Tommorow morning I want to go out somewhere to escape my from prison. This morning wanna ask some friends for 'wrath of the Titans' but they gave me a 'no' face.


I checked back the record for this week. I just realised how many dinners I have skipped. Yesterday I saw Phyllis's post in Facebook 'dinner alone tonight... hmmm.. maybe i should just skip dinner tonight.' I have the same feeling as well. Tonight I watched a movie and listen for song for entire night. Tonight is the night of Enrique Iglesias, and he filled me with tonnes of emo song. The movie starring by Shu Qi and Leung Chiu Wai makes me miss my friends used to mix with me. The scene that made my soul enter the movie is the scene when there is no one could remember Shu Qi's birthday. She was staying alone at home. Will it happen to me someday if I don't have a gf. Do I still have courage to make new friends?


Enrique Iglesias - Somebody's Me
You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
'cause I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else

A Simple Life

A tiring week again. Every day I go to hospital and come back for rushing my reports. many friends fall sick and thank God I'm still fine. Today I just realised that it's left 1 month staying in KL instead of 2 months as what I always think. I don't know when will I come back to this place again and can go to Kuchai Lama on the 1st and 15th of lunar month. Tonight I'm not going to do anything related to study. I just want to relax myself, while watching a movie. The movie is called 'A Simple Life' starring by Andy Lau and Deanie Yip Tak Han. I like their acting and I was so touched by this movie. It is based on a true story, about a servant and the family she served four generations. She takes care of Anday Lau everyday and Andy Lau take care of her back when she got stoke. from this movie,I can see how terrible is the nursing home. I understand why my mum keep reminding me not to send her to nursing home. I also promise myself I won't no matter how burden it is. How nice if no one in this world would leave you one day. I try to imagine if I was Andy Lau, I can feel how sad would he be when he saw she was holding her last breath. She is lonely, but at least she has someone who really care for her and take care of her in the rest of her life. when I see she smiles, I will automatically smile as well. What she hopes is just a simple life, get care form others and don't want to be alone, this is also what I always wish.

Miss

When we are still together, think back what have gone through, no matter sweet or sour, now it's the time for us to part, those memories will get a place in my heart.Faith will let us meet again, we will find new friends whereever we are. But I am always here for you, whenever you need a friend. It's just the beginning of our life, we have much more to look forward to.Before i go, i want to say that someday…soon…I gonna miss you guys...

Feel full

My expenses for this month have exceeded my planned barget. Much cash spent on few birthday celebrations. But, I think it was worth it in the end of the day. Not many chances can gather all friends and talk loudly in the restaurant like nobody else. Yesterday HuiChyi and MingMing tagged me in a post, and this picture brought me to the moment we spent in the old time.


I missed the way we talk, they are not as sensitive as those I meet in KL. They understood me well and hence less misunderstanding among us. After I came to KL, I used to think as what KL people always think and end up I become more and more sensitive. I will care those who click 'like' in my facebook. Sometimes, when I celebrated birthday with friends and uploaded their pictures after celebration. I will wonder why not even one will click a 'like' in any picture. They not even care about it or it's because uploaded by me and they don't like me at all. If the album is created by someone, will there be a great different?

Yesterday I ate alone. Actually a friend asked me to have lunch together but the timing made me feeling like not joining, how nice if my friend can tolerate my timing. Last few months, if my friend didn't ask me to go makan, I will ask myself 'why didn't ask me wor, makan with others hor? sad nia' but now, if a friend ask me to makan, I will ask myself 'har, why suddenly ask me go mkan geh? I'm practising myself to eat alone leh.' why i use the word 'suddenly' because it really has been quite a long time never take lunch together and it's quite surprising. So, yesterday I went to Alam Damai to search for new hawker stalls. The hawker killed a lot of my time for just merely a bowl of meatball noodle. After that I stayed in the library until 5. I went to giant to "top-up" my snacks and maggi mee. I wander around for no purpose. After that I went back Angkasa and laid down on my lovely bed without taking bath. Thinking how many people's life are similar as mine, never talk to anyone for whole day, keep my mouth close except while eating. I slept at 630pm. I was shocked when I woke up at 1am. Then i continue to sleep until 8.30am. I cant believe that I slept for 14hours yet feeling tired. But luckily I sleep for so long, so that I wont get emo during weekend night. I'm too free during weekend!!! I skip dinner for twice in this week adn surprisingly I did not feel hungry. Sadness can fill my stomach, I just know.

再見

我不夠冷靜 要用力呼吸
我還沒清醒 所以把自己關在房裡
想得太仔細 累壞了情緒
外面越來越不再熟悉 我好害怕走出去

The pass and the future

Stupid~~

I'm expecting something stupid, I know, but don't want to be alone

星空

Last quiz tomorrow!! Nothing to be happy because it means final exam is coming soon. This morning went to library for preparing tomorrow quiz. Luckily it's an open day, so that I can stay a bit longer. After coming back from library I studied nothing till now. This is my first time I didn't do my best on last day. Surprisingly, there were so many coursemates in library today. All of them sat with friends. As usual, I was sitting alone. How nice if one day my friends will volunteer to sit with me, then they will break the record in my student life. 2 months to go, then I will quit my student life. I'm counting down everyday. I've changed. I share my happiness with different peoples nowadays, the people that I don't know well, but at least can crap a lot. I never share my sadness, because I don't want people to see trough me or pity me. I was not so down at night, at least a new friend always jio me makan. Perhaps, his gf is not available at night so he is alone at night, then find me for dinner. Better than none, right? At least both of us are not eating alone with tears. long time never ask other people for dinner already. Since I'm not alone, they are also not alone, so I don't need to bother or think of them already, am I right? So, did I change? If I'm the previous me, I will definitely ask them to makan. Now, I feel like I'm more and more following their attitute- If you want to call me, then maybe I will join, if not, I don't care, I have others, I also wont call you. It's quite sad when you find there is no more topic to be share with the person you used to share with. It's more even upset when you dare not sms a friend just because scare of late reply, scare of ignorance, scare of your friend will not treat you as they treat other good friends. When you start feeling like wanna write something in a blog rather than share verbally to a friend, this is the most emo time ever and most probably won't sleep well at night. Hugging my pillow, forcing myself to sleep is nothing uncommon. It's more scary when you can listen to your heart beat and the sound of the fan twinning makes you feel cold...I miss home. I miss my secondary schoolmates. I don't want to be free. I want a very packed schedule that can suffocate me.

细数繁星闪烁 细数此生风波
原来所有所得所获 不如一夜的星空
指中的温柔 回忆里的笑容
仿佛只要伸手就能触摸
摸不到的颜色 是否叫彩虹
看不到的拥抱 是否叫做微风
一个人 习惯一个人

这一刻独自望着星空
从前的从前从没变过
寂寞可以是忍受
也可以是享受享受着拥有
那一年我们望着星空
有那么多的灿烂的梦
至少回忆会永久 像不变星空陪着我
最后只剩下星空 像不变回忆陪着我~~