再見

我不夠冷靜 要用力呼吸
我還沒清醒 所以把自己關在房裡
想得太仔細 累壞了情緒
外面越來越不再熟悉 我好害怕走出去

The pass and the future

Stupid~~

I'm expecting something stupid, I know, but don't want to be alone

星空

Last quiz tomorrow!! Nothing to be happy because it means final exam is coming soon. This morning went to library for preparing tomorrow quiz. Luckily it's an open day, so that I can stay a bit longer. After coming back from library I studied nothing till now. This is my first time I didn't do my best on last day. Surprisingly, there were so many coursemates in library today. All of them sat with friends. As usual, I was sitting alone. How nice if one day my friends will volunteer to sit with me, then they will break the record in my student life. 2 months to go, then I will quit my student life. I'm counting down everyday. I've changed. I share my happiness with different peoples nowadays, the people that I don't know well, but at least can crap a lot. I never share my sadness, because I don't want people to see trough me or pity me. I was not so down at night, at least a new friend always jio me makan. Perhaps, his gf is not available at night so he is alone at night, then find me for dinner. Better than none, right? At least both of us are not eating alone with tears. long time never ask other people for dinner already. Since I'm not alone, they are also not alone, so I don't need to bother or think of them already, am I right? So, did I change? If I'm the previous me, I will definitely ask them to makan. Now, I feel like I'm more and more following their attitute- If you want to call me, then maybe I will join, if not, I don't care, I have others, I also wont call you. It's quite sad when you find there is no more topic to be share with the person you used to share with. It's more even upset when you dare not sms a friend just because scare of late reply, scare of ignorance, scare of your friend will not treat you as they treat other good friends. When you start feeling like wanna write something in a blog rather than share verbally to a friend, this is the most emo time ever and most probably won't sleep well at night. Hugging my pillow, forcing myself to sleep is nothing uncommon. It's more scary when you can listen to your heart beat and the sound of the fan twinning makes you feel cold...I miss home. I miss my secondary schoolmates. I don't want to be free. I want a very packed schedule that can suffocate me.

细数繁星闪烁 细数此生风波
原来所有所得所获 不如一夜的星空
指中的温柔 回忆里的笑容
仿佛只要伸手就能触摸
摸不到的颜色 是否叫彩虹
看不到的拥抱 是否叫做微风
一个人 习惯一个人

这一刻独自望着星空
从前的从前从没变过
寂寞可以是忍受
也可以是享受享受着拥有
那一年我们望着星空
有那么多的灿烂的梦
至少回忆会永久 像不变星空陪着我
最后只剩下星空 像不变回忆陪着我~~

Mashup

Made a mashup using few songs for Gala night last 2 weeks. It's the very first draft and going to be rejected.

Why I don't know why I ask why

i'm so glad that my car can turn into the original look again. Today I've sent my car to the workshop and I went to library. It's crowded as usual. The difference is a friend can study together with me. Don't know why I feel motivated when a friend sit beside me even though not studying the same subject or same chapters. Maybe I won't feel that bored and won't feel tired easily. I always wish I won't be alone. But no matter how it's just a wish. The wish during my birthday will not come true. Every year one of the 3 wishes I made on my birthday is the same. Few years already, I'm still having the same wish. I always scold myself for being bad to friend, but I still did it and I'm still out of my control. I can't study at night. I don't know what am I doing now. The internet is slow. My heart is silent. The light is blinking for a few time. I look out the window and I see no stars tonight. I see some lights from far, it's pasar malam, the place where I wondering alone 2 years ago. I put on my blanket, holding notes for no purpose. Occasionally some noise form my handphone. I hate Digi, there are too many notisfications, I misthink that someone is greeting me. Then, I suddenly remember that I have a dearest friend, my blog. A friend that never fail to listen to me, support me silently and always forgive me whatever mistake I made. I have a lot of defects, everyone does have. I never seek for forgiveness because I think no one will do so. I never seek for care, because I think they will come automatically, well, it seldom happens, even it happens, it won't last long. If they treat me good, I definitely treat them better. If they treat me badly, I can't control myself not to treat them the same. Last week, some one has blocked me in Facebook and she unblocked me back yesterday. I can't believe what I'v done yesterday? I was so childish to unblocked her back. I want to test something just to prove my expectation is right. What happens to me? Why I have such action? Do I change a lot? Am I a bad guy? Should I apologise to her? Is she right? Am I stupid? Did I trust a wrong person? Why did the person tell lie to me? Why my brother didn;t support me? Why did he never trust me? Why I feel disappointed? Why I just can't ignore other people's thought? Why I still trust another person that I'm not supposed to trust anymore? Why I'm still not understand what is his gf thinking. Why let me know so many things? Why I have no one to talk to? Why I have to suffer this alone? Why ect...

Car

Thanks Buddha, that Malay guy has banked in the amount as he promised. Tomorrow I can go to repair my car. =)

一半

好久没打中文字。 今晚就来用华语吧，费时就让它费时。
一边听歌一边打字，感觉仿佛进入歌曲的世界。
装起耳机，听首感伤的歌，随着她的歌与夜晚的寂静，心情也变得沉重起来。
或许不是一個人生活的人， 永远都不会懂这感觉吧。
我很懂那种感觉，也好厌倦那种感觉。
有时明明就是想一起出去，卻又早预知自己将会格格不入，
在一群人中，更凸显自己的孤独与寂寞
那不如拒绝那些邀约，回家一個人，寂寞但至少不会尴尬，给别人难做。

平是满路的生活倒不太觉得寂寞
但到假期或节日时
朋友们都有女朋友相伴
只剩自己的晚上， 没人邀约的日子，真的不好受
还要在朋友前裝忙， 更为心疼。

为何没有好朋友，没人分享，快乐和幸福只剩下一半？
为何没有好朋友，没人分享，痛苦不会也因此减半？




Recently I don't know why I feel stress when I see this kind of picture.


I feel free and I feel cold in these few nights.

You should look inside yourself. You're halfway there

Sometimes you'll laugh
Sometimes you'll cry
Life never tells us, the when's or why's
When you've got friends, to wish you well
You'll find your point when
You will exhale

Another sleepless night guaranteed

I just wake up from sleep. What a tiring day and I slept for few hours after coming back from workshop. It's not a lucky day for me. Many things had made me to commit in that accident. I was driving slow in front of BHP at the opposite site of Taman Connaught,suddenly a car bang my car from behind. I can hear the load noice and feel the impact. This was my first time being hit by a car and I can sense the ache on my back. It's not very serious, there was some minor scratch on my bumper, but a significant dent in my car. The malay driver treated me as a fool by offering me rm150 as for my compensation. I refused it. He brought me to a workshop with a promise of willing to pay for my car repair. The boss of the workshop there asked me to go there any time and the driver will pay rm550 for it. Once I leaved, the boss told the driver that he actually didn't need to pay that much as he can made a police report and he just have to pay rm300 for it. That's why he phoned me again and asked me whether to accept his compensation of rm300. I told him that I will find a cheaper workshop which is around my resident area as well as convenient to me, and I will contact him later. I went to Taman Connaught, Taman Tayton, and finally few workshop in Taman Lensen. The former costs me around rm500 to as much as rm800. I met a guy who introduce a workshop for me in Taman Lensen as there's so many workshops there and I expected the competition among them will definitely somehow affect the price of service. I was amazed by my bargaining skill. Finally, after bargaining with the boss, I managed to get the offer of RM400 to get every thing settled. It's just a minor procedure and the paint of my car (pearl paint) is too limited that they have to charge me higher. I contact the driver again and told him that he just have to pay rm450, thinking that I still can earn his RM50. However he said it's beyond his limit, he claimed that he can just ignore me and just pay the summon which is just RM300. I've wasted so much saliva to get his sympathy and let him feel my sorrow and misfortune. At last, he increased his limit to RM400 which is the maximum that he can afford. I gave him my Maybank account, but I still feel afraid that I can't get the reasonable compensation because I refused to accept the compensation at the first time and planned to bet for more to minimise my loss as much as possible. Anyways, as long as I'm not injured in this case, it is still not that bad yet. But this incident affects my mood a lot. I was driving alone for few workshops. I can't smile to whoever I met. I was simply exhausted after all, lying on the bed while playing Draw Something until I felt asleep. Forever alone.

My poor small little kelisa

Removed~

Today year 1 female junior was deleted by another year 1 male junior in facebook. Actually when I saw her post, I already can guess who is he. This is because I was removed by the same person last year. It's funny that there are some Year 1 students like to do such thing. Last week I was just blocked by 2 persons. I feel ok now since I'm not familiar with them. The only thing that was disappointed me is, I told what was happening to my best friend but he gave no comment and seemed not so supporting me. The incident somehow was related to him and I feel so wasted to protect him and being blocked. At the end of the day, still standing at the girl's side. Luckily I'm too buy for these few days, and I almost forget every unhappy things. I've not enough sleep everyday. How nice if a friend da bao and eat with me at home. I can save my time at the same thing not feeling alone. Haha, tahan for 2 months ba, fake smile for 2 months ba. I don't like to let people see my sad face. I want to leave a nice impression to them that I always smile. any complaint just vomit out in this blog. At ;east the blog will accept it and support me silently. =)

On the wrong path, I've to shift gears and start thinking differently

I think today I've nothing to write until this afternoon, I heard something that really hurt. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's not about how it hurts but it's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. To date, I really don't know whom shall I trust. Seriously, I hope this is the last lesson. I previously thought only girls will leave boy once they have a boyfriends. But now, all guys I meet ,except my hometown friends, none of them is not zhong se qing you. The people live in KL is so scary. I don't want to care anymore. I forgive everyone that treat me bad. I don't care anyone keep using me. I won't hate anyone treating me like a stupid. I still will care for those as how they care for me. I will use my smile to cover everything. I will reject many things in indirect way provided it does not hurt anyone. I would like to say sorry to a friend who is going to leave M'sia and heading to UK soon, as I neglect my friend a lot, i admit. I just hope people can be frank to me always, don't ignore me, at least sometimes give priority to me, sometimes can remember me. This is what I did to those whom I consider as my friends. There's always no return and I should have used to it. I hope i can be taller a bit so that can get a gf easier. No one else is free to ask me 'How are you now/recently?' All those messages are 'Hey, can I ask for your help?' 'Can I ask you something?' I kinda like to see some messages like 'Hey, i have a funny thing to tell you', 'let me sahre something interesting to you, 'Hows your exam lately?', 'I'm here to cheer you up, tell me your story', 'Man, let's go library study together', 'let me accompany you to go Giant to buy some stuff". 'hey, there's a nice movie, I'm here to ask whether you want to go with me? what time are you free let me discuss with others' rather than 'Hey, we're going to watch movie now, you want to join or not, haha, if want then want if don't want then don't want, nothing is important.'...I just expect something that i think a real friend should do. I expect too much, as much as how disappointing am I now. When you feel like not wan to talk with or lazy to talk with that person, I think you will forget the person sooner or later. So Jenwin, listen here, just do whatever you think you should do, just let them do whatever they like, that is beyond your control. You think you treat other people good they will treat you back as the same? Theoretically, it should be true, but in real life, my experiment showed the opposite side of the theory.

Night

Tonight I chated 2 friends. We crapped and time passed very fast. I will feel ok as long as someone can talk to me and I have some stories to listen. Thats why I miss home and I hate KL.

Enjoy the little things for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Clinical clerkship is quite tiring. I can't believe I just restored my sleeping time from 5pm-8pm and feel tired still. I'm not going to do anything. The 'bucket list' that I've planned for today becomes a 'pending list' now. Today is not a very lucky day. I drove out to have my dinner because I don't really like 'alibaba life' as well as 'maggi life'. When I came back, the power window of my small little kelisa was stuck and the remote was not functioning. It's around 9 and it's no longer working hour for almost every workshop around. I spent 20mins staying in the car try to close the window forcefully. Thank God, it continued to function after I hit it for many times. I get irritated again. Recently, I admit that I've mood disorder. A small tiny stuff is enough to trigger my mood to be unstable. Was it caused by boring life? I wakes up at 5 every morning then go to hospital and clerk cases. Then come back to school for discussion with lecturer. After that, go back home rushing my report and sleep at midnight. The schedule is packed and unchangeable. Yesterday night I was struggling for air while completing my clerked case. Unfortunately a friend was screwed up by me because I did't believe him. this was due to he contradiction in his words. At first he said "Sorry, I just received your message" after that he said "Sorry, it's was raining so I didn't take my handphone out" So, if latter one is right, then what is the point he mention that he just receive my message. Anyway, everything is not important, no matter how he's still my closest friend in KL. If I don't trust him, then there is no one can be trust anymore in KL. If I said he never care for me, then I cant say no one can do better than him. People asked me why I don't like my friends. I don't know how to answer, because I'm still looking for some good friends. Life without friends is like Youtube without videos, and Google with no result. My friend said, waiting for a good friend is like waiting for boat at the airport, but it's still possible.

In pass, I can wait anyone for long and I don't mind. After I meet one for my friends in UCSI, after I wait for 30mins in Maybank, and after few times waiting for him, I start feel intolerable to wait. He did not punctual and I was always the one who received thousands of 'sorry'. Last year I also start cant tolerate with late message reply already. Among all friends, only two make me feel very pek cek. When they need your help they can reply you in a lighting speed. If it's not an urgent case for them, they can just sms you a first message and wait for your reply, once you reply, they will take years to reply you back. Another sienz case is, they never say directly in the sms, they will ask a lot of unrelated questions then only start to enter the main point. Some like to let you wait for their reply. They just keep quite without sending a message like 'please wait for 10mins, I want to ask others people' or 'sorry give me 10mins more, I think I will be late'. They just let you wait wait and wait. When they call you, you must give instant response. It's so unfair. Start form now, I prefer eat alone rather than waiting for this and that, her or him. I rather emo myself than get irritated by others. That why I born to be a loner. Everyone who just add me as a friend in Line will ask me why my status is 'loner'. I was speechless and the only response that I can give is just a smile. Sometimes, smiles are like band-aids, they cover up the wound but it still hurts. The only things that I really make me smile and even laugh is everyday when I enter Chat Box, and listen to some noises from my A.S. gang. I like their siao siao way. They are sincere and not fake. It's still enjoyable if kena shot. Surprisingly, it is like my daily medicine to treat me boredness and loneliness even though sometimes it can be irritating when I want to sleep late but the notisfication tone keep awakening me up.

Therefore, the best things in life are the people you love, the places you’ve seen, and the memories you’ve made along the way. If things are going good, enjoy it because it won’t last forever. And if things are going bad, dont worry. It can’t last forever either.

Busy for clerkship

Busy life is started and I feel so happy. I'm always scared that I'm too free and there is nothing to do with my leisure time. Don't know why I never feel down at all for these few days. I've learn to think in a positive way and it really makes me feel much better. Leaving UCSI soon, should I start counting down? Today sms with few friends and suddenly feel like want to hug them before I leave. After graduation, there will be less sms, less sing k sessions or perhaps no more. I should appreciate the time left for being a student. My mind sometimes is so messy, unlike bipolar disorder, I feel happy and not so happy at the same time. All birthday celebrations in KL I think thy will be the last celebration with Uni friends. 10am now, it's time to sleep. haizz...clerkship. This morning I met the psychiatric patient in real. Thank god they never show "disinhibited behavior" towards lengcai Jenwin.