No faith

I said I will quit facebook, but today I've spent a lot of time for it. Other than Fb, I don't know what else I can do when I lay down on my bed. Today is not a happy day, I feel very 'fan'. This morning my mum met 4 Malays and her gold necklace was roped. So many stuff to 'fan' today by my nieces, my house owner, my mum schedule and many more. Eventually I decide to go KL on next Monday. I feel so bored and fan at night, wanna find somebody to keng gai to balance my mood, but don't know find who. Find sailou kit, aiya find wrong person, say wrong thing kua no reply, haiz I'm always nothing to him only need help got value. Find sailou Seng, as expected, reply very fast, can talk nonsense with, really can release stress, but cannot keng sam si. Only kit and keet can keng sam si, too bad no boobs no reply even though really use heart to treat them like brothers. Next week sailou Yi come back from Singapore. A 'yeah' in my heart. finally can hang out already. The life without girlfriend is like that, like a gay lou finding brothers to talk with. But friendship won't last long. Maybe after 3 months you will become a trash even though hoping they will not. I've no faith and I'm tired. That's why I want to sleep now

Supp

This morning keep refreshing the webpage, I was so crazy when the result can’t be seen. I was so panic for the whole morning, until I was not able to take a nap in the afternoon. I’ve never had this kind of feeling before. Yesterday night, I made 2 dreams. The first dream was I got 2 subjects fail. The second dream was like the real condition now. The first dream is horrible, I woke up because I was too scared. I sms Jos and Sailou as I really felt very bad.

Now, I get my result. I’m no longer panic. I stay calm and start planning what to do, and start to think how if my plan fails. It’s time to seek for some help. Asking somebody to register for me, how to bank in, who to keep my slip and when can pass to me, asking somebody to ask Ms Kitty when is the date for supplement paper, planning when to go and where to stay and the duration.

ChengCheng was the first person who phone me, followed by HanCheng and brothers. Some kept sms me who made me so busy for replying. All telling me the same thing, ‘No worry, You can make it’. I listened till sien. I also know I must not be sad, I must not worry much. But, how? I wish somebody can tell some jokes or other means which can make me happy. But, after getting my result, I received the truth immediately, because I already know I might fail, and I just hope miracle will happen. None of the Bangkok friends could understand it and what in their mind was about how I ffk. I received thousands of sms but no one really console me, just asking me to do my best. Only few makes me feel so touched, HC asked me for supper, Wennie asked me whether I need to talk, CK offers me accommodation. My failure can gain so much concern, this worth a lot. I suddenly feel like not that bad, I console those people when there is no people concole me, as I know their feeling well. So far, there are 10 people whom I know, taking supp with me, I’m not alone and at least better than someone who has to retake the subject next year.

Shadow

My Digi data is so slow and I'm quite lazy to online. I can't online too much. It would be like this for these coming 6 months. I used my internet data for accessing Youtube in my TV to sing karaoke. These few days tried new songs and sing non-stop. Unbelievably, I joined those uncle and aunty, sang in a public room specially designed for those old folks who like to sing. Days passed very fast, I totally forgot about my result. Until yesterday night, I feel nervous again. I know the fact can't be changed, but I'm still hoping something good happen to me. My heartbeat was extremely fast in these morning. I recalled what Ms. Kitty has told me, I recalled my first F in my life, and I was depressed for few hours. The only cure is music.

For this moment I have nothing to write in my blog. I not yet miss my friends, everyday is just like a normal day.  Never feel sad for so many days. Just a bit unhappy with some late replies, but it's still ok, because I'm also that kind of person. I salute WC and TS for their fast reply within one minute, no matter when the message is sent. They make me feel guilty when I cant reply message in time.  WC must be cursing me for some times.

Tonight talkbox rings again. Some familiar voices are running in my ears. I miss them but they are busy with their career and life already. Yesterday I also received  messages from sailou, as usual, received only when he's sad. So, I must wish him always sad. Last week told him something regarding a word called 'forever'. Start feeling guilty by mentioning this word again. 5 years ago, this word killed me slowly and I've made a same mistake again. Apparently I'm not strong enough, I'm still live in a dark shadow, I can't escape from the incident     happened 5 years ago. It changed my personalility from time to time, I can feel my abnormalility now. When everyone disappoint me, I also disappoint everyone. Don't know who really understand why I ffk, why I don't want to go Bangkok even though it can said to be the first and last graduation trip.

I think I wanna learn from TK. I wanna disappear in this world for a period of time. No MSN no Facebook No foursquare, put my hp apart, is it possible? I was so active in those stuffs because I'm too lonely, I'm finding true friends and seek for a little concern. Now I came back home, my sister and nieces stay in my house next week, I'm no longer alone. So, please, let me pass my exam, I am too scared staying in KL, I'm too scared being alone and watching other live happily but not me. I just want a simple life now, reorganise my mood, change my belief, make new friends, forget the pass, start new life and blog as usual. It's time to change my blog setting.

Bye Bye Mood

Seetheng had taught me 1 thing yesterday and it's quite useful. When you're alone at home, when you feel lonely, just on the music out loud. And I did it and it worked. Never know it can be so enjoying. No sad song for tonite yeah~

This morning I went to Kuchai Lama, the place that I used to go. Still can remember, first time being there was for celebrating Dr Lim's birthday with Yuensi and Chunkit at WinSoon fishhead noodle shop. Today I went there again. The difference is I went there alone this time, many memories poped out in my mind. I've been there with Tzemin and lily's gang for JoJo Ban Mee. I've been there once for noodle that Simon described as a noodle that can jump in your mouth, can't remember with whom I went. I've been there for flowflake with CK. I've once with TS and Diana at hawker stalls after going back from stadium. I've been there with YS at Chili Padi. I've been to Chong Qing Chicken Pot with lily and her friend. I've been there twice with KeanTatt and LaiPeng them at Taipei Walker. I've been having buffet at Shabu shabu with Weikit and Sudharma. I've been there twice with CK and once with LeeLean at Vege shop. Other than those few times, I almost alone there. Today I walked around there and took some photos. I don't want to come here anymore, I want to pass my exam.

This afternoon, I keep login GSC for 30 minutes but I failed. My Digi line is a damn thing, and my Streamyx  has been cut because we never pay the bill. Without hesitation, I took my car key and heading to Mid Valley. It's not hard at all to get a single ticket. I watched Avengers, the movie that everyone has watched. One couple, seeing me alone, asking me whether the seat beside me was available or not. They doubt that I'm watching movie alone. Yeah, so what, I'm so down and I just wanna watch a movie to make myself happier, why they made me more down? I'm so stressed in the afternoon, I was worried about my result. After the movie, I feel better. 2 girls had approved my friend request. One of them, a more friendly one, started to talk nicely to me. I smiled a while, and i know this is a better ending. I should thank her instead, she let me see the real personalities of others, the so-called brothers. Anyways, it will come to a halt  when I leave KL.

I'm going back with Jos tomorrow. He asked for dimsam as breakfast in the morning. I feel like asking my bro to go along. But when I think twice, I zip my mouth again. I'm really scare that being rejected even for the very last time. I'm more afraid that he used money constrain as an excuse. He's willing to spend with his gang because he think it worth it. But, to me...I have experienced once, he just kept quiet and I get hurt enough that I dare not ask again on the days onwards. Till now, I still don't know who am I. I born to be accompany those lonely souls and end up I'm the loneliest pity guy eventually.

I moved my stuff up and down for uncountable times. Thanks TS for offering help but I don't need help I think. Few hours later, I will stay in my air-con room and watch drama everyday. I planned to quit Fb, as it only brings sadness to me nowadays. I dare not open the photo albums to see how happy are those people. The feeling of FFK is even worst. It can be said to be my first time give a big FFK. Some people may ask why, but some never. Those never are my housemates, they never concern about the thing other than them perhaps. I hope my ffk is wrong, if my ffk is right decision, that means I have to take supp paper for my exam. Can someone console me please, instead of saying I'm crazy as what I've received in my phone just now.

Last

Yo...leaving KL soon. The only thing that irritated me the most before I KL was being deleted by two persons in Fb. Tonight, I'm alone at home. I calm myself down and I added the two girls in Fb. The approval is not so important now. I just do whatever I think I can do before leaving KL, I shouldn't let them affect my mood.

Yesterday I went out with Wennie and Seetheng. they brought me to Zanmai Sushi. This was my first time and it's also one of the places that I wish to go before saying bye bye to KL. A wonderful night hanging out with them. We went to KTZ while Kuen, Jos and Jonathan joined afterwards. At least I spent my whole day with friends but not alone. I planned to go on Tuesday at first. I changed my mind to Friday because I still wanna meet those people.

Today afternoon was my last time sing k at Neways with a bunch of random friends, using student ID to get 50% discount for the very last time. During singing, I looked at them, I asked myself, when can I meet them again? When can I sing k again? I suddenly feel so down. I hope the time can move slower, so that I can enjoy my hobby for a longer period. Thank god, today sailou was not going out with his gang, so that I can pull him out to sing k with me. this is the first time and I strongly believe that it will be the last as well. Very luckily today is his off day, if not he definitely will choose his gang instead of mine. Tonight we didn't talk much face to face but it will be the longest as compared to future. During convocation day, I might not have so much time to talk with. Surprisingly, my nose felt sour for some times. Whenever I recall the gala night video, I feel so touched and also feel so reluctant. It's quite surprise that he would say those words. He is really a good friend, just too bad that I do not belong to his gang. I just can see how happy are they and how lonely am I. So thank God again, sometimes he might feel like his is not in the gang, so that i have chance to talk with. Haha, being selfish for so long, now I really wish him can mix well in his gang and don't think negatively like me anymore. The difference is he is still trying to mix with, but I never trust anyone, and my heart is dead for too long already.

Tonight is a lonely night, as usual, after gala night, everynights were the lonely nights. I feel like going to pasar malam tonight for the last time, but, in fact, I want somebody to accompany me. If not, I scare I will be damn emo in pasar malam. I will never forget last semester I walked alone in pasar malam every week. It's not a pleasant experience. So my last decision is, staying at home and blogging, at least it's more meaningful than wandering around alone in pasar malam.

Tomorrow, again, alone at home, packing my stuff and prepared myself going back to Alor Star.

Sleep Paralysis

Initially I thought that after Gala Night I can write some happy stuffs in my blog. That's only what I think. But, in fact, I feel very scare now. I'm helpless. Staying at home for whole day yesterday and something unpleasant thing happened to me. I feel something was approaching me when I was sleeping. I know I shouldn't think in such a way. And since I was small I really don't believe it. I always said, it never happen to me before, how can I believe it. Yesterday, it was a scarynight. I heard some horrible noice, and i kept sleeping. I suddenly felt a heavy pressure over me, some invisible force started choking me. I can open my eye, but my pillow covered my eyesight, and I saw nothing. I want to puch away the pillow but no matter how, I was not able to do so. It last for few minutes and I am sure I'm in conscious. The few minutes can make me remember for a lifetime. When I regained my movement, to my surprise, I feel that my whole body is very numb. I felt very cold and I keep silvering and I was breathing really fast. I text sailou to prove that I was not dreaming. Today when i woke up, I see the message again, ya, I'm not dreaming. Today the whole morning, I can feel like I am so weak, so blur and have no interest in doing any thing. I bang my car when I was parking. This is holy shit, how can this happened to me. It's just parking a car at my parking slot at Angkasa Condo, which I did for thousands times in these 3 years. If i'm going to repair it, I have to spend rm600 for it. It's so hurt. I lost my camera charger which cost me 100+ and now this costs me even more. My haert is so pain now. I am still cant forgive my carelessness. By right, I have a movie to watch in this afternoon, I can't make it now, I feel stress, some rest is needed. I phoned my mum and she called me pray. I want somebody accompany me seriously. I dare not cover my face during sleeping now. I'm afraid that the force paralyses me again and put the pressure on my pillow. Tonight I have to face it alone again. I'm the only one at home. Please pray for me.

shirt

Finally, i get my shirt. It's white which I don't really like. Since I have no time to shop for better shirt with price, I just bought it. Tonight I had my very last dinner with childish sailou. Bye bye.

Learn

Today I did nothing again. I am addicted to Tetris Battle. The day after tomorrow I have another paper, but the holiday mood seems start once gao dim clinical clerkship paper today. I've not enough sleep yesterday. Anyways, take SeeTheng who wake me up at midnight. She is such a good girl. she misscalled me twice, bu I didn't wake up. She Line'd me, but I didn't see the message. She scared I cant recieve the line message, sms me through Digi. I have no choice, I have to wake up to thank her. I've never feel so touched for so long. I get so numb by the environment since last year. Seldom people chit chat with me anymore. I never receive sweet messages like secondary school anymore. When a person get older, he has to accept the fact that he is no longer in secondary school. When you see your secondary schoolmates whom you always stay together with, now, they have their own life, living in different country, stay apart from you, and will get married one day, then you only know, you are also in the same path, moving together, adapting a new life, changing accordingly. Tonight, as usual, looking at the 4 walls, telling myself, this will come to an end, this is the last week, enjoy your loneliness, be prepared of saying goodbye to Angkasa Condo which you always imagine it as a prison. Wipe all your tears, don't leave any stain even you accidentally drop any. Forgive all people who disappointed you, forgive those leave you alone, be thankful to those who cherish you, appreciate those in hometown waiting for you silently and patiently. I love you, my parent. Because I come to KL, I feel like I love you more. Forgive me if I did anything wrong. I will learn to control myself. I will. Oh ya~ Today I heard a good news. Haha, it's a good news only if it happened in this semester. Luckily, I'm leaving soon, if not, I will experience the same thing happened in 2 years ago. My prediction was never wrong. That's why I always feel that I'm clever enough to stay away and protect myself. I know my prediction will be correct, so I easily get emo after thinking of a lot of things. But now, once getting know the answer, I feel nothing already. No feeling because of no surprise, no feeling because it's none of my business anymore. But, still very happy when someone say thank you to you when actually you really want to help that person. I don't know when I my turn, but I'm sure she will be my everything.

Butt

I didn't chat in facebook for weeks. Once I saw friend request, I'm a bit excited and curious to know who was the person. walao eh~~~ I saw a big butt~~~

However, it doesn't boost my study mood. The butt has made me feel lonely. Only the butt wanna friend with me. I can't concentrate in my study even though I know next week I will be free from study life. I dare not ask people to go out to have a meal anymore. I know I'm still afraid of something. Something that can affect my mood for the whole night. Never try, never know. Since I don't want to know, so I won't try. =)