I'm Back

Bye, KL. Bye, zhe xie nian. I should download this movie one day. Watching alone should have different feeling haha. Later I wanna lay on my air-con room for the longest time in this year. I cant survive without internet in KL. But I can survive in AS without internet access. Not because I like AS, that's because there is nothing worth to be appreciated in KL. why?

I don't like this semester

What a lonely night before I go back hometown. By right tonight I should be at One Utama with my friends. Because of hospital A&E oncall, so have to change to tomorrow morning. Then I ask myself, how am I going to spend my time tonight? I want to have a dinner with anyone, but everyone tell me that they have their own activities. I heard lots of compliments about the movie 'na xie nian'. I try to ask seek for people to accompany me. There are 3 people already plan to watch tomorrow night, but I must go back home in tomorrow afternoon. Another one wants to go to his friend's house play games. Then I asked sailou and he did watch already. Then I ask HC, but his relatives come to find him tonight. Then I ask Cheng and she said I should ask her earlier. Then I ask Khang and he said he will watch with his friends. At the end, i book a ticket in Mid Valley and it will be the 5th movie that I'm going to watch alone. Unfortunately, I cant transfer my credit while booking a ticket. I miss the chance to watch and there is no GSC in Alor Star. The life of a person who does not have girlfriend or best friends should be like that. I'm sitting in front of my laptop which I treated as my wife for very long. How nice it would be if my wife can stand up and hug me and tell me that I'm not alone. I just talked to my sister and I coundn't recognize her voice. I wonder how long it is since our last chat. Maybe later i will search some comedies in PPstream while enjoying my last pack of maggie mee. At the same time I am afraid that i will take supplementary paper in this sem. I can feel that I'm a bit more hardworking than previous semesters. However, I admit that I never study properly and I have no mood to study in this semester. I woke up at lunch time everyday and keep bullied by my handphone alarm clock. Since teckkeng has a girlfriends, we seldom meet anymore, even anyone's birthday celebration, he is not in sight. Last time when I saw him study in library or Block A, I use his study speed as a standard and it will at least slightly motivate me to study. During study break, he used to be the one who made me can reach school at 8am and also the one who accompanied to take my lunch everyday. But now, I seldom see him anymore and never took > 5 meals with him in this semester. He rush back to see his girlfriends every week despite if there is a quiz or not. So, actually single is also not that bad. It's less problematic, at least.

Someone Like You

The second song I record in this year and it is my first trial for english song. I don't understand why I always record song during exam period.

My life~

I start packing since I am in the mood of heading back to hometown. The tentative date for my journey is set on 18 November. Hopefully can meet my best friend in KL whom I never meet for almost 4 years. His sms came as a surprise and I was told that he will work in Penang from next month onwards. I recall my secondary school life and I smile. No doubt, the closest relationship outside the family is friendship. But overvaluing friendship will probably make life absolutely terrible and tragic. It's not easy to establish a social base because there are too many kinds of people in this world. I always blacklist people in my life. It's like keep killing humans around me, till I have no more, and I realize that I'm all alone. I have learned a lot when I was being alone. If want to fish for friendship, bait with the heart, but not the brain. I'm happy as I still can feel my heartbeat in my chest. I should use it more often. I admit I was so fake during my secondary school, my feeling will be concealed at any time no matter what. I went to another class to find my close friend during recess time. We did keep in touch after graduated from form 6. She is so kind, clever and help me a lot. I have found her but too bad her boyfriend had found her first. It's not easy to have someone that you can make you always happy and can be trusted. So, life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. My parents always told me "We are not rich, you are still a student, you can find your partner right after you have your own financial support." I had too much influence from my family and always agree with what my parents said. But I never know it's that hard to find a suitable one until I meet so many ones in my life and I find myself can tolerate with neither one. Perhaps I don't know how to appreciate things until they are gone. Sometimes a word can be so hurtful that a millon words would not bring the original situation back.

Once in the Blue Moon

Tonight is the night of full moon. I just have had porridge as my dinner. My body calmed and I felt the indigestion afterwards. I forgot to buy herbal remedy to reduce my body heat. I sat in the car while radio was playing my favorite pop songs. At the same time I stare at the sky for 30 minutes. The feeling of being love is the same feeling that I get when I stare into the moon on a clear night, it's beautiful. This is my very first time stare at the moon with the companion of music in my car. What a tiring and mentally exhausting day after a tough exam paper in this morning. Tomorrow I have to boost my brain's workability. Again, where should I go? I feel sleepy staying alone at home and my brain cant function properly. Time passes so fast, I wasted my night again. I have to borrow part of my sleeping time for writing blog. Unlike her, she has so many things to tell other people. But I prefer use blog to complain my unsatisfaction about somethings, wishing somebody can comment about it. There are more and more unsatisfactory things as I grow older. I don't like to see somebody knocks other's people head. However, I always see it and even experienced it. I keep quite, just don't want to get freak out and let her to realize it herself. But today she gave a heavy knock on other people's head again.

Opinions

Today I feel so touched. There are 2 friends suddenly sms and asked me if I'm alright with my studies and call me don't stress myself. Sometimes a quick conversation with someone you care about is just what you need to boost your mood.

Today she told me "If a person wants to be a part of your life they will make an obvious effort to do so. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay." I also saw this somewhere before. It sounds so true. She has many friends and it's why she can say so. As for those who has not many friends like me, I am the one who try to make an effort to make my friends stay but not the another way round. I failed so many times until I feel extremely tired now. However, doing something and even it is not worthy is at least ten times better than doing nothing.

When I was young many of my decisions influenced by others. At times they changed my inner voice, heart and intuition I strongly believed in. Many years later, i just realize that this was not an ideal way to live, especially when those people whose opinions I cared so much about are no longer a part of my life. And I also found that if I misuse my imagination, it will becomes worries.

3 more papers to go. After that I plan to go back my sweet home. I think I'm not going to Genting or anywhere else after exam. Almost 10 years I have neither been to Genting nor casino. This semester I have never join any group going to anywhere, except for birthday celebration which I hope to escape but I cant. I never go to Kuching with my classmates for this semester and I also plan not to go Bangkok next year anymore. Air-ticket is wasted with reasons. But I still hope I can have a graduation trip.

It's 4am

Waking up in the middle of the night and cannot sleep back can it be called insomnia? Maybe i woke up late everyday and sleep too much in the afternoon make me so hard to sleep at night. My headache always visits me in the afternoon and the Panadol seems ineffective for quick relief. The night is still the same, quite as usual, colder than normal. I feel very hungry now. Luckily I've bought some snacks and biscuits yesterday, because I know I will need them. I almost finish my maggi mee and I forgot to top up the stock at home. I am tired to explore new place to eat. No matter how nice is the place, I'm still eating alone. I experience loneliness too much that when I see somebody is eating alone, I will feel like be a companion. But sometimes I ask myself, when people know I will eat alone, will they do the same? I actually know the answer. The world is very realistic.

"Best friend" this word always confuse me a lot. How can say once the opposite sex has become a best friend, it's hard to become a girlfriend? I also a little skeptical how two people of opposite genders can be best friends, if either one of them has a boyfriend/girlfriend? Wont their partner feel jealous? If I have a girlfriend I wont think I will be that generous enough to let her be so close with another guys. This also explains why I always being dumped by friends once they have boyfriends. During my secondary school, what's weird to me was that when I went to places together with a girl, friends would constantly ask if we're dating. Sometimes, they just assumed. At the end, the friendship just ended. If best friends are from same sex, it could potentially be brothers and it could be so troublesome when other people judging them wrongly too much. At the end, same thing happens, friendship selection and termination never end. If he/she wont care this kind of things, then only can be best friends. So cruel. At the end, stay alone better huh?

Hate Holidays

Why today is a holiday? Why the holiday is on weekend? Where should i go? I am lost again. Should i train myself to study at home or go to Secret Recipe? Is there any place is better than Secret Recipe? Can i imagine many people are around me? Tomorrow is the last day for me to prepare the coming subject. Why I want to have a study group, at the end I get a shit? Why I feel so stressed today? The good days versus bad days are still battling on. Why I feel numb and detached from my surroundings? The day without facebook turns into a long-term solitary. I wish somebody could put their arm around my shoulders and whispered 'Are you ok? I know you are not.' I want to find my my true smile. I miss home.

Age of Miracles

After watching "嬷嬷帆帆(Age of Miracles)", I believe fundamentally that family is the most important thing in life. This movie touched me a lot, especially the last part which made my tears drop. I miss my home now. Last week was my mum's birthday. I cant believe myself, saying I love you to her the very first time in my life. And she replied me the same. I think I have changed time by time. Unlike other people's parent, my parents are almost 70. I am afraid that I've not many chances to say this on their birthdays. I afraid that they will leave me one day. Whenever I feel sad, i will always tell myself, at least I love family love. How if one day the world left me alone? I don't like to stay in my room everyday, facing 4 walls and a ceiling.

A Glimpse of Time

Friend makes time passes very fast and time makes friends pass too if friends never keep in touch. But I think, time, which changes people, does not alter the image that we have retained of them. I will appreciate the years and happy times when friends meant a lot to me.

Basically, events in the past may be classified into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter. I yet don't know how to classify it sometimes. Maybe the only thing that matters is the everlasting future. The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present. I hope i can graduate next year. If so, I left half year staying in KL. 5 months should be very fast. I think I will miss the people in KL although I don't really the place. Actually I make myself lonely. It's my choice and I cant blame anyone. I don't know why I feel shy to ask people accompany me. I can simply ask friends to go for breakfast in Alor Star. But in KL, if I woke up early, I have to take breakfast myself. I miss old days. Maybe this can explain why i wake up so late every day. It has been 1 month I wake up at lunch time. At the same time I cant sleep at night. It is funny to say that I seek happiness through Facebook, but it's real. Facebook is nothing but a solely route for me to share my sadness and happiness when the feeling is still fresh.