F day to be memorised

My first F in my life. F is not F**K, but 'Fail' in my quiz. I have no idea what happen to me. How could it be? And I'm the only one who get the title of Mr. F. I've no mood to study now. I didn't do well in my exam just now, will I fail another time? I really miss home now, I feel like crying, nobody knows. It's not easy to suffer alone. How nice if got some one can tell jokes to me and make me happy for this moment. I never know it can happen to me. What an unpleasant experience. Luckily at night, TS crapped with me to release my stress. These few nights I went to his house for studying. If not, I don't think I can study at night when i was alone in my room.

Pain

I've eye sore for 2 days. Cause = unknown, but can be due to long fringe？ Yesterday stayed at TS's house until 4am then go back my house due to the pain. Tonight the pain score increases. So I plan to sleep at 11 =)

Be thankful

A photo uploaded by my idol, Jasmine Yow. It's such a great saying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Be thankful for what you have, you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough. Tonight TS asked me to go over his house to study. The first one who knows I can't study at night and asked me to over his house. This is why I always cherish my sailou. I don't care others talking about his bad side. As far as i know, he craps with me without manifesting any intentions.

Best friends still

Wow, blogger changes setting, it makes me so blur~~ I really don't why "Are you ok?" can be so powerful. It's just a simple question which I never answer "I'm not ok" For me, I don't understand what is meant by 'ok'. If a girl cries non-stop, and when she stop crying, can it said to be ok? If someone feel very emo and do something and make him happy, is he ok then? I rather like people ask 'What happen to you' rather than 'are you ok?' I like this quote, 'Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end.' Today I didn't go to library. It's not a productive day, but at least i didn't feel bad. I disappointed with my friend yesterday and it's weird that the disappointment disappears today just because a message 'Are you ok?' It makes me feel so guilty. If think the positive side, who will wake you up in the morning, who will concern what are going on with you while studying. Only best friend will do so, am I right? Perhaps I ask too much from my friends, I have admitted now. I just too miss the moment when every night, someone will ask me for a dinner or I ask my friend for a dinner. I miss those day when I fetch my friend for dinner. It has been a long time I send a message like : 'Wait, I will reach in 10 mins.' Now, have to wait until Ah Vir is not here or no transpot, then only will ask me out. Actually, I don't mind so much anymore, since it left 3 weeks. And I was too lonely for these 2 sems.I ate too much maggi mee this year. and I also rejected too many times or received late replies too frequent. My personality is also getting worse. But I also learn from this today:

Hokkien song, 夜市人生, in its first and last sentence of the lyrics '人生亲像一出戏' and '人情冷暖愈分愈袂清,世事往往最后才看的明' are so true. We don't know who really treat us sincerely until one day in future you will only can realise it, just that I'm too impatient and want to know it now. My song recorded when I sing k~~ Don't know when can go out sing K again. I still never sing k with many friends. Next time for sure, no more student price for me already.

夏日乐悠悠 Love You You

Today is not a very pleasant. I slept at 11 yesterday and planned to wake up at 4am this morning. I successful to do so, but woke up not for studying. I woke up because I have the feeling of nausea. I feel dizzy as well, luckily I still have panadol on hand. I continued sleeping wishing everything will be ok after I have a good sleep. I feel stress each sudden awakening. I slept for few times and decided to force myself to complete my report. I manage to complete it before 12. I didn't love my health, I went to take McD just because don't want to take my lunch alone. I was thinking of not going to school but I have 2 things to do at school, to get my car key which is not so important but passing up my report is the most important thing. I was like dreaming in the super cold library even though I put on my jacket. And I don't know why I feel sad at library, staying at home is a better choice for today perhaps. My head becomes heavier and heavier. I decided to go back at 5 for a nap. What a bad timing, I saw someone bang my car side mirror. It left a black 'scar' on my mirror.
Reaching home, lying on my bed, emo to death. After 1 hour nap, watch a movie in youtube called '夏日乐悠悠 Love You You'. I thought I will feel better after watching movei, but I didn't. However, I never expect the movie can be so touched, especially the diary part. Whenever I see someone is alone, I will think of myself. The girl is more pityful than me, at least I've my parents' love. By the way, the girl in this movie is super duper pretty. I like this kind of girl, not sexy, not hiao, just nice. After watching this movie I only know the meaning of the lyrics of that song. I've tried to sing this song before during sing k session.


I decide to quit facebook from now onwards. Not because I afraid I will get addicted to facebook but I afraid I will feel sad when I see everyone is so happy on facebook while I am so stress alone. I self-diagnosed with 'borderline personality disorder'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

Dream

I still have no mood to study. I slept at home for the entire afternoon. It's a triring day after coming back from SPA interview. I did receive some wishes today. I thought I will better, but the happiness is still overwhelmed disappointment. Maybe I need some time to recover also.

Today I went to Pasar Malam, don't know is it my last time. I finally bought a purple cover without a magnet for my handphone. It's time to change. I will keep the old one although many people gave a lot of compliments about it. It will become a memory soon. Each memory we keep with care, can bring us future happiness one day. At the same time, let us be aware of each new thing in a brand new day. When we older and we really understand things , and we go though thing then only realize nothing nice and pretty thing can last forever. Sometimes I always feel friendship is just like a flower, which withers away with time. I still fail to be a better man, I fail to let my friend to appreciate me, I fail to trust my friend even though I already tried hard to do so. At the end of day, only my family know my existence. Only my family members can share happiness and sadness together with me. No friends share with me, and I have no friends to share with, that's why I am blogging now. But no worry, I will be ok. I always learn to share my happiness with my own self and share my sadness with my blog. The only drawback is I won't receive any feedback. But, nevermind, I will find friends who will really care for me as I care for them. Or who know, I will find a girl who likes me as I like her =) dreaming la!!!

Time

The night before interview, I should be very nervous. By viewing the comments by the first batch who went to interview this morning, I think I have nothing much can prepare. The scope of questions they ask was wide, ranges from personal stuff to global issues, it depended on their mood. But I still hope some one can give me support, I have no mood and no motivation at all. I think I'm too over, I wish someone can sms me and say something supportive words to me. Haha, I slap myself for my stupidity. Jenwin, you are too weak, why you think like that, even though no one stand by you, you stil have to go through interview and show your best right? Why you keep thinking like a lady. Give you another slap. Even the one that you treated the closest friend will only find you when he is down, once get recovered, you are just a sand in his eye, so what else you still want some more. How frustrating it was, when you beg somebody to take a meal with you and have been rejected immediately, without knowing that we are still able to meet for less than 1 month. How disappointing will it be, when you expected somebody to explain but the person just kept quite, thinking time will explain everything and dilute everything. At the same time, friendship will be diluted as well. I'm still being kind and hurting myself. Why don't be a bit humorous and say or create something that can make people feel better or happy? At least people will not feel that disappointed. Haiz, why I am still concern about those lonely person around me, forgetting that who else will concern about me in return. Sometimes, I offered myself to accompany friends to eat together when I know they are alone. When I am the one who is driving alone, I laugh at myself: Poor Jenwin, you only can mix with those lonely people, once they have their gang, you will not be remembered, you eat alone while they are having fun, you study alone while seeing them study together, you're non-exist when they are happy. So, what I do? I listen to music to relax myself. I watch some online movie to get rid of my boredness. I go for shopping to get the thing that make me happy. I don't like to stay at home and having no mood to do nothing like now. 3 weeks to go, I want to do many things for the last time. I've been to 1Utama for the last time. I've tied my favourite cendol for the last time. I've had my meal at Old Klang Road fort he last time. I plan to go Sri Petaling again for the last time. I want to tried mango cheese cake at Sri Hartamas fort he very last time. I still have many pending stuffs to try before I leave KL. I have never tried Sushi Zanmai, Tao, Sakae Sushi, Madam Kwan, The Beer Factory, sing K at Louderspeaker and Green Box. I also never go for clubbing. I know it's weird to go all those place alone. And I also realised there is no one shopping alone at Mid valley, I'm the most pityful one. And i also know I have no such time to do so many things already.

Shopping

I couldn't remember how long I never go shopping with friends. I remember I always go for shopping when I was sad. So, most probably I went alone. Yesterday I went with Jos and I found a fit-cutting shirt, I'm still thinking whether o buy or not. Will it too simple and plain? Will it be too dark?



Tonight I realise one thing. I always hate to be cheated by friends that I care so much. In fact, it's better to listen some lie that can make you happy rather than see that person keep quite just don't want to tell lie. Previously I hate the former so much and I hope that everyone can tell me the truth like the latter. But now, I start not really like those who always keep quite and put everything inside their mind. It's better to say something, at least can let people happy as long as no harm. I have both kind of best friends, but I still like them, it's very subjective. 只是我找不到他们单纯的面孔。

Tonight I did nothing again after coming back from library. I'm listening for songs and at the same time looks for some songs for Gala performance. Suddenly feel like wanna sing k. I like sad songs, don't know why, may be only sad song can touch my heart?

my song =(


歌詞
當兩顆心開始震動
當你瞳孔學會閃躲
當愛慢慢被遮住只剩下黑
距離像影子被拉拖
當愛的故事像聽說
我找不到你單純的面孔
當生命每分每秒都為你轉動
心多執著就加倍心痛
那些你很冒險的夢　我陪你去瘋
摺紙飛機　碰到雨天　終究會墜落
太殘忍的話我只說　因為愛很重
你卻不想懂　只往反方向走
當愛的故事像聽說
我找不到你單純的面孔
當生命每分每秒都為你轉動
心有多執著就加倍心痛
那些你很冒險的夢　我陪你去瘋
摺紙飛機　碰到雨天　終究會墜落
太殘忍的話我只說　因為愛很重
你卻不想懂　只往反方向走
我不想放手　你鬆開的左手
你愛的放縱　我擺不回天空
我輸了　累了　等你　再也不回頭
那些你很冒險的夢　我陪你去瘋
摺紙飛機　碰到雨天　終究會墜落
太殘忍的話我只說　因為愛很重
你卻不想懂　只往反方向走
你真的不懂　我的愛已降落

Negativity

Tonight I went to Pavilion GSC to watch a Thai ghost movie with Rupert, Cheng and others. At the same time sailou jio makan. I feel like it's like counting down every time we meet. So I attend both. I firstly ate with sailou and friends ad only meet my hometown friends. I am excited today from the day till night. But after movie, I feel lost again. When thinking of tomorrow have to start my reports I feel depressed again. I appreciate silently every time can go out with friends as I know after I leave KL and go back to AS, I only can meet my family members. No friends are staying in AS anymore. When the life of a student comes to an end, I definitely will miss a lot of thing. I miss those day in secondary school when friends stick together with me and how they care for me. Form 6 life was not as good, and Uni life is the most disappointing. When friends has found their own gang, it means that's the time which you will be losing a friend again. This situation keeps repeating throughout my student life, don't know how about others. When I do my report alone, I cant stop myself thinking the days when I was in secondary school when a bunch of friends rushing homework together. Was I too happy in secondary school ,so I think negatively now?

The Last

Today I feel so sleepy, 930pm now and I'm like a dead fish. Going to sleep now even though there are still many pending tasks to be done by tonight. Yesterday morning I went out early to 1 Utama alone and tried the nasi lemak and my most favourite cendol~ yummy~!! This should be the last time I try and I almost take it with tears.




After that, I went for shopping. Once mentioning shopping, all my mood comes back, whatever sadness turn to nothing in no time. Finally, I've decided my attire for Gala Night. No special colour, for example, white for last year. This year I am going to wear entire black. I have not decided what colour to wear inside (not undergarment). My tie is a bit special, unlike the typical style. Regarding the blazer, my gosh, I've spent hours to search for a slim fit and short blazer to suit me. I left 1 Utama with disappointed and heading to Timesquare. Beyond my expectation, I found a blazer which the cutting suits my short body well. The happiest thing ever, is the price, which is less than rm100. Can't imagine the price with its quality. It looks expensive.

Hungry. 10pm. It's time to sleep? Sleep early = wasting time? I need to think what to do tomorrow. Start studying? Movie alone? Sleep for whole day? Shop for Gala dinner?

Somebody's Me

I don't like weekend, seriously don't like weekend, don't like to face walls almost all the time. Tommorow morning I want to go out somewhere to escape my from prison. This morning wanna ask some friends for 'wrath of the Titans' but they gave me a 'no' face.


I checked back the record for this week. I just realised how many dinners I have skipped. Yesterday I saw Phyllis's post in Facebook 'dinner alone tonight... hmmm.. maybe i should just skip dinner tonight.' I have the same feeling as well. Tonight I watched a movie and listen for song for entire night. Tonight is the night of Enrique Iglesias, and he filled me with tonnes of emo song. The movie starring by Shu Qi and Leung Chiu Wai makes me miss my friends used to mix with me. The scene that made my soul enter the movie is the scene when there is no one could remember Shu Qi's birthday. She was staying alone at home. Will it happen to me someday if I don't have a gf. Do I still have courage to make new friends?


Enrique Iglesias - Somebody's Me
You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
'cause I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else

A Simple Life

A tiring week again. Every day I go to hospital and come back for rushing my reports. many friends fall sick and thank God I'm still fine. Today I just realised that it's left 1 month staying in KL instead of 2 months as what I always think. I don't know when will I come back to this place again and can go to Kuchai Lama on the 1st and 15th of lunar month. Tonight I'm not going to do anything related to study. I just want to relax myself, while watching a movie. The movie is called 'A Simple Life' starring by Andy Lau and Deanie Yip Tak Han. I like their acting and I was so touched by this movie. It is based on a true story, about a servant and the family she served four generations. She takes care of Anday Lau everyday and Andy Lau take care of her back when she got stoke. from this movie,I can see how terrible is the nursing home. I understand why my mum keep reminding me not to send her to nursing home. I also promise myself I won't no matter how burden it is. How nice if no one in this world would leave you one day. I try to imagine if I was Andy Lau, I can feel how sad would he be when he saw she was holding her last breath. She is lonely, but at least she has someone who really care for her and take care of her in the rest of her life. when I see she smiles, I will automatically smile as well. What she hopes is just a simple life, get care form others and don't want to be alone, this is also what I always wish.

Miss

When we are still together, think back what have gone through, no matter sweet or sour, now it's the time for us to part, those memories will get a place in my heart.Faith will let us meet again, we will find new friends whereever we are. But I am always here for you, whenever you need a friend. It's just the beginning of our life, we have much more to look forward to.Before i go, i want to say that someday…soon…I gonna miss you guys...

Feel full

My expenses for this month have exceeded my planned barget. Much cash spent on few birthday celebrations. But, I think it was worth it in the end of the day. Not many chances can gather all friends and talk loudly in the restaurant like nobody else. Yesterday HuiChyi and MingMing tagged me in a post, and this picture brought me to the moment we spent in the old time.


I missed the way we talk, they are not as sensitive as those I meet in KL. They understood me well and hence less misunderstanding among us. After I came to KL, I used to think as what KL people always think and end up I become more and more sensitive. I will care those who click 'like' in my facebook. Sometimes, when I celebrated birthday with friends and uploaded their pictures after celebration. I will wonder why not even one will click a 'like' in any picture. They not even care about it or it's because uploaded by me and they don't like me at all. If the album is created by someone, will there be a great different?

Yesterday I ate alone. Actually a friend asked me to have lunch together but the timing made me feeling like not joining, how nice if my friend can tolerate my timing. Last few months, if my friend didn't ask me to go makan, I will ask myself 'why didn't ask me wor, makan with others hor? sad nia' but now, if a friend ask me to makan, I will ask myself 'har, why suddenly ask me go mkan geh? I'm practising myself to eat alone leh.' why i use the word 'suddenly' because it really has been quite a long time never take lunch together and it's quite surprising. So, yesterday I went to Alam Damai to search for new hawker stalls. The hawker killed a lot of my time for just merely a bowl of meatball noodle. After that I stayed in the library until 5. I went to giant to "top-up" my snacks and maggi mee. I wander around for no purpose. After that I went back Angkasa and laid down on my lovely bed without taking bath. Thinking how many people's life are similar as mine, never talk to anyone for whole day, keep my mouth close except while eating. I slept at 630pm. I was shocked when I woke up at 1am. Then i continue to sleep until 8.30am. I cant believe that I slept for 14hours yet feeling tired. But luckily I sleep for so long, so that I wont get emo during weekend night. I'm too free during weekend!!! I skip dinner for twice in this week adn surprisingly I did not feel hungry. Sadness can fill my stomach, I just know.