Happiest New Year

Yesterday night I watched Hong Kong drama in youtube until 7am. I was awakened by Ck's phone in afternoon. I couldn't find my another handphone. I thought I left it in my car. I retraced it in my car and my room but I still couldn't find it. I went to Sunway Pyramid. It was the happiest new year eve ever. I have found back my handphone after coming back from Sunway Pyramid. It's just on my table. How can't I didn't see it!!! Is that called 'hou sam yao hou bou'? I shopped in the shopping mall and I found a handbag accidentally. There's nobody around, so it might be left by somebody. This was the second time I meet this case. 'Kepo' is my nature. Unzipping the bag, i saw a handphone inside. I simply dialed a person in the contact list and that person helped me to inform the owner. I left my contact numver and passed the bag to 2 cashers on duty and the owner will get the handbag from them later. When she got back her bag, she kept phoned me to offer a reward for returning her bag to her. She was so panic and I think there must be some valuable things inside it. He went to some effort to ask me to take some time out of my day to meet her. She said she must 'do something'. I kept rejecting her, but she insisted to give me something. She asked me what I want. I told her that she already give me happiness which is the best return ever. It's just a small matter, I don't understand why she insists to offer me a reward. She knew I am a student and asked me where do I study. I replied her UCSI. The world is so small. Her nephew is also a final-year pharmacy student in IMU. I never asked who is he, maybe I know him?
It's 12am now. My handphone is flooded by messages. I missed my friends so much. Although they are just some simple wishes, they touched me a lot. No doubt, only close best friends will wish me, they are the only group who remember me. Too bad that I'm always not the one who take initiation or text them. Friends forever, guys!

Back to KL

Today should be a happy day. I departed from Alor Star at 8am and I reached home at 10pm. I brought my friends to Butterworth dimsam restaurant and we also stopped at Ipoh. I have tried a egg puding today which is known as 'dan dan'. Thanks Wei Kit for introducing such a special dessert. I'm at home now. Alone. Again. I opened my Facebook and read MingMing's message. It's long and touching. My nose feel sour for a while. No doubt, I missed my form 5 buddies the most. I like to solve her Mathematics questions. The sweet smile on their faces never be forgotten. I'm too disappointed with those friends who approach you only when they needed you. I always have conflicts with my friends. Their difference is either damaging the relationship or deepening it. I do not know how to handle the conflicts correctly. In KL, I never feel that my friends want me to be their friend. I'm more like a foreigner, a guest, a senior, a stranger, a tool? I am depressed again. Nobody is free to talk. Nobody cares, perhaps.

KL

I am now in KL with my dearest family members. KL is not my favourite place, but with family, it becomes a nice place to live. We travelled around and felt so tired for these few days. I hope that holidays wont end fast.

I'm Back

Bye, KL. Bye, zhe xie nian. I should download this movie one day. Watching alone should have different feeling haha. Later I wanna lay on my air-con room for the longest time in this year. I cant survive without internet in KL. But I can survive in AS without internet access. Not because I like AS, that's because there is nothing worth to be appreciated in KL. why?

I don't like this semester

What a lonely night before I go back hometown. By right tonight I should be at One Utama with my friends. Because of hospital A&E oncall, so have to change to tomorrow morning. Then I ask myself, how am I going to spend my time tonight? I want to have a dinner with anyone, but everyone tell me that they have their own activities. I heard lots of compliments about the movie 'na xie nian'. I try to ask seek for people to accompany me. There are 3 people already plan to watch tomorrow night, but I must go back home in tomorrow afternoon. Another one wants to go to his friend's house play games. Then I asked sailou and he did watch already. Then I ask HC, but his relatives come to find him tonight. Then I ask Cheng and she said I should ask her earlier. Then I ask Khang and he said he will watch with his friends. At the end, i book a ticket in Mid Valley and it will be the 5th movie that I'm going to watch alone. Unfortunately, I cant transfer my credit while booking a ticket. I miss the chance to watch and there is no GSC in Alor Star. The life of a person who does not have girlfriend or best friends should be like that. I'm sitting in front of my laptop which I treated as my wife for very long. How nice it would be if my wife can stand up and hug me and tell me that I'm not alone. I just talked to my sister and I coundn't recognize her voice. I wonder how long it is since our last chat. Maybe later i will search some comedies in PPstream while enjoying my last pack of maggie mee. At the same time I am afraid that i will take supplementary paper in this sem. I can feel that I'm a bit more hardworking than previous semesters. However, I admit that I never study properly and I have no mood to study in this semester. I woke up at lunch time everyday and keep bullied by my handphone alarm clock. Since teckkeng has a girlfriends, we seldom meet anymore, even anyone's birthday celebration, he is not in sight. Last time when I saw him study in library or Block A, I use his study speed as a standard and it will at least slightly motivate me to study. During study break, he used to be the one who made me can reach school at 8am and also the one who accompanied to take my lunch everyday. But now, I seldom see him anymore and never took > 5 meals with him in this semester. He rush back to see his girlfriends every week despite if there is a quiz or not. So, actually single is also not that bad. It's less problematic, at least.

Someone Like You

The second song I record in this year and it is my first trial for english song. I don't understand why I always record song during exam period.

My life~

I start packing since I am in the mood of heading back to hometown. The tentative date for my journey is set on 18 November. Hopefully can meet my best friend in KL whom I never meet for almost 4 years. His sms came as a surprise and I was told that he will work in Penang from next month onwards. I recall my secondary school life and I smile. No doubt, the closest relationship outside the family is friendship. But overvaluing friendship will probably make life absolutely terrible and tragic. It's not easy to establish a social base because there are too many kinds of people in this world. I always blacklist people in my life. It's like keep killing humans around me, till I have no more, and I realize that I'm all alone. I have learned a lot when I was being alone. If want to fish for friendship, bait with the heart, but not the brain. I'm happy as I still can feel my heartbeat in my chest. I should use it more often. I admit I was so fake during my secondary school, my feeling will be concealed at any time no matter what. I went to another class to find my close friend during recess time. We did keep in touch after graduated from form 6. She is so kind, clever and help me a lot. I have found her but too bad her boyfriend had found her first. It's not easy to have someone that you can make you always happy and can be trusted. So, life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. My parents always told me "We are not rich, you are still a student, you can find your partner right after you have your own financial support." I had too much influence from my family and always agree with what my parents said. But I never know it's that hard to find a suitable one until I meet so many ones in my life and I find myself can tolerate with neither one. Perhaps I don't know how to appreciate things until they are gone. Sometimes a word can be so hurtful that a millon words would not bring the original situation back.

Once in the Blue Moon

Tonight is the night of full moon. I just have had porridge as my dinner. My body calmed and I felt the indigestion afterwards. I forgot to buy herbal remedy to reduce my body heat. I sat in the car while radio was playing my favorite pop songs. At the same time I stare at the sky for 30 minutes. The feeling of being love is the same feeling that I get when I stare into the moon on a clear night, it's beautiful. This is my very first time stare at the moon with the companion of music in my car. What a tiring and mentally exhausting day after a tough exam paper in this morning. Tomorrow I have to boost my brain's workability. Again, where should I go? I feel sleepy staying alone at home and my brain cant function properly. Time passes so fast, I wasted my night again. I have to borrow part of my sleeping time for writing blog. Unlike her, she has so many things to tell other people. But I prefer use blog to complain my unsatisfaction about somethings, wishing somebody can comment about it. There are more and more unsatisfactory things as I grow older. I don't like to see somebody knocks other's people head. However, I always see it and even experienced it. I keep quite, just don't want to get freak out and let her to realize it herself. But today she gave a heavy knock on other people's head again.

Opinions

Today I feel so touched. There are 2 friends suddenly sms and asked me if I'm alright with my studies and call me don't stress myself. Sometimes a quick conversation with someone you care about is just what you need to boost your mood.

Today she told me "If a person wants to be a part of your life they will make an obvious effort to do so. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay." I also saw this somewhere before. It sounds so true. She has many friends and it's why she can say so. As for those who has not many friends like me, I am the one who try to make an effort to make my friends stay but not the another way round. I failed so many times until I feel extremely tired now. However, doing something and even it is not worthy is at least ten times better than doing nothing.

When I was young many of my decisions influenced by others. At times they changed my inner voice, heart and intuition I strongly believed in. Many years later, i just realize that this was not an ideal way to live, especially when those people whose opinions I cared so much about are no longer a part of my life. And I also found that if I misuse my imagination, it will becomes worries.

3 more papers to go. After that I plan to go back my sweet home. I think I'm not going to Genting or anywhere else after exam. Almost 10 years I have neither been to Genting nor casino. This semester I have never join any group going to anywhere, except for birthday celebration which I hope to escape but I cant. I never go to Kuching with my classmates for this semester and I also plan not to go Bangkok next year anymore. Air-ticket is wasted with reasons. But I still hope I can have a graduation trip.

It's 4am

Waking up in the middle of the night and cannot sleep back can it be called insomnia? Maybe i woke up late everyday and sleep too much in the afternoon make me so hard to sleep at night. My headache always visits me in the afternoon and the Panadol seems ineffective for quick relief. The night is still the same, quite as usual, colder than normal. I feel very hungry now. Luckily I've bought some snacks and biscuits yesterday, because I know I will need them. I almost finish my maggi mee and I forgot to top up the stock at home. I am tired to explore new place to eat. No matter how nice is the place, I'm still eating alone. I experience loneliness too much that when I see somebody is eating alone, I will feel like be a companion. But sometimes I ask myself, when people know I will eat alone, will they do the same? I actually know the answer. The world is very realistic.

"Best friend" this word always confuse me a lot. How can say once the opposite sex has become a best friend, it's hard to become a girlfriend? I also a little skeptical how two people of opposite genders can be best friends, if either one of them has a boyfriend/girlfriend? Wont their partner feel jealous? If I have a girlfriend I wont think I will be that generous enough to let her be so close with another guys. This also explains why I always being dumped by friends once they have boyfriends. During my secondary school, what's weird to me was that when I went to places together with a girl, friends would constantly ask if we're dating. Sometimes, they just assumed. At the end, the friendship just ended. If best friends are from same sex, it could potentially be brothers and it could be so troublesome when other people judging them wrongly too much. At the end, same thing happens, friendship selection and termination never end. If he/she wont care this kind of things, then only can be best friends. So cruel. At the end, stay alone better huh?

Hate Holidays

Why today is a holiday? Why the holiday is on weekend? Where should i go? I am lost again. Should i train myself to study at home or go to Secret Recipe? Is there any place is better than Secret Recipe? Can i imagine many people are around me? Tomorrow is the last day for me to prepare the coming subject. Why I want to have a study group, at the end I get a shit? Why I feel so stressed today? The good days versus bad days are still battling on. Why I feel numb and detached from my surroundings? The day without facebook turns into a long-term solitary. I wish somebody could put their arm around my shoulders and whispered 'Are you ok? I know you are not.' I want to find my my true smile. I miss home.

Age of Miracles

After watching "嬷嬷帆帆(Age of Miracles)", I believe fundamentally that family is the most important thing in life. This movie touched me a lot, especially the last part which made my tears drop. I miss my home now. Last week was my mum's birthday. I cant believe myself, saying I love you to her the very first time in my life. And she replied me the same. I think I have changed time by time. Unlike other people's parent, my parents are almost 70. I am afraid that I've not many chances to say this on their birthdays. I afraid that they will leave me one day. Whenever I feel sad, i will always tell myself, at least I love family love. How if one day the world left me alone? I don't like to stay in my room everyday, facing 4 walls and a ceiling.

A Glimpse of Time

Friend makes time passes very fast and time makes friends pass too if friends never keep in touch. But I think, time, which changes people, does not alter the image that we have retained of them. I will appreciate the years and happy times when friends meant a lot to me.

Basically, events in the past may be classified into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter. I yet don't know how to classify it sometimes. Maybe the only thing that matters is the everlasting future. The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present. I hope i can graduate next year. If so, I left half year staying in KL. 5 months should be very fast. I think I will miss the people in KL although I don't really the place. Actually I make myself lonely. It's my choice and I cant blame anyone. I don't know why I feel shy to ask people accompany me. I can simply ask friends to go for breakfast in Alor Star. But in KL, if I woke up early, I have to take breakfast myself. I miss old days. Maybe this can explain why i wake up so late every day. It has been 1 month I wake up at lunch time. At the same time I cant sleep at night. It is funny to say that I seek happiness through Facebook, but it's real. Facebook is nothing but a solely route for me to share my sadness and happiness when the feeling is still fresh.

It's not a dream anymore when it comes true

Today I'm a little bit excited because my dream partially came true. I feel that a group discussion can actually stimulate my study. At least it has some interaction and I wont feel bored. Previously my life was like 'get up, survive, and go to bed'. And today I've found that it's not important to have a millions friends, just have a friend that stands by you when millions are against you. Everything in life is temporarily. So if things are going like today, just enjoy it cause it wont last forever. However, if things are going bad in future, don't worry, cause it cannt last forever either.

Oh~ my friends.

As I grow up, I've learned that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let me down, probably will. I don't know how many times do I need to get hurt for me to give up. I hate myself that when I was heart broken, I never left them. Instead, I'll probably break their hearts, to let them hate me and finally choose to leave me. I hope somebody can love me when I least deserve it, because that is what i really need. But I know it wont happen in my life. I always want to have a best friend, just that my friends did not want to have me. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. I just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to me and tell someone off. I always tell myself don't be afraid to take chances even it's risky because every second you spend for angry or upset is a second that you can never get back. So never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you want.



"Friendship can be hard, it is a difficult relationship to keep, loss is even harder, whether it’s loss to death or misunderstanding, maybe even just different choice of roads; saying goodbye is never an easy task. No matter how close you are to your friends, at some point they are going to hurt you, and if you ever want to keep good friends, then you must learn to forgive them and let go of the pain that they caused; intentionally or not. We all make mistakes and bad choices at some point in our life, remember that always when a grudge starts to form. Make peace with those who have passed on and moved on for each of us has our own destiny to follow, you never know who you are going to meet down your path of life." ~Will Rivera

How?

How nice is it if one day there is someone approaches me and tell me "Hey, let's study together tomorrow?" Haha.

Since I was small, i studied alone. Unlike other people, i don't have siblings to play with me or study with me. My sister was married to Bukit Mertajam since I was 5. I stayed with my loving granny when she was in her sixties and seventies. My parents worked in the morning and and my granny took care of my until I was in standard 5. She is the only one that I could talk to. There was an absolute shock when she left me in a sudden and I could feel a giant kick in my head. I was not being beside her to say a last goodbye and I know I wont be given a second chance. I still remembered that day the sky was the most magnificent blue.I do feel unfortunate that she couldn't able to see my future as she promised, she couldn't cheer for me at my graduation, or watch me get married anymore. This is my first cry in public since I was sent to a kindergarden. After her funeral, i stayed alone at home everyday. Sometimes,I had to wipe my tears before I got on the school bus. She used to accompany me while waiting school bus. From the day she was gone, I sat on the bench while waiting bus alone everyday. I don't the feeling of being alone in the morning when my house is so empty and quiet. So, i have found my first best friend in my life during standard 5. However, no freinds could stay long. I'm quite envious those friends who can always stuck together. I always feel very helpless especially study break. I have no one to ask when I was stuck in my studies. I can't concentration when there is no people around me. I feel lonely and demotivated when I stay in my room. I like to study in library and particularly in the cafeteria. I can see many ones study together with their gang. Sometimes I also dream that I also have a gang to study with. Haha. But I seem have a lot of problems that i can feel that normally people will not stay with me. I have no idea how to change the situation, perhaps I have weak social skills. If someone treats me good, I will definitely treat that person in the same way or even better. Unfortunately, I'm not good enough that I wont be chosen as best friend no matter how many times I have tried. I'm 23 years old now I still don't know how to be a good friend.

This month I have spent less than rm10 on my phone credit. No one will take initiative to sms me. Did I care too much? If i graduate, does it mean I wont receive any sms anymore? Even MSN I hardly find a complete conversation. Do everyone is so busy until left a conversation hang at half way? Am i too annoying? I miss my overseas friends a lot, please come back.

Differentiation

I can't believe myself that I was affected by her so much in such a way which I can't fully explain. She makes me hate another person whom I treated as sailou. I once couldn't differentiate between these two people. But, please, if she's gonna be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. We should learn how to be respectful to our friends, don't just start arguments with them without telling them the reasons. She did so, but he wont, that's how i differentiate them.

I believe lies so I eventually learn to trust no one but myself. She has taught me that it's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone. So, I restore myself when I'm alone.

I want to be good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small little boy in a big world trying to find some best friends and to be loved. Friends just like to act, and, some come, some go. The ones that can stay through everything they are true best friends. For a boy without a girlfriend like me, friendship is the best thing that comes to life because I will not worry about the fakes.

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. =) I will keep my chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about. That's why I'm so happy today =)

Arrr...so tired now...The nicest thing for me now is sleep, at least I can dream.

Calm down~~

The story starts when a best friend left me and I stayed alone for a while. I met another friend who then became my closest friend in KL. This 2 weeks, whenever i saw him, he reminded me of his ex. I was always try my best to be nice to her but she dumped me. Do it really matter which side I'm on? I just want someone to talk with when i am down, but she told me that I'm pessimistic all the way. Everything has been changed once she get a new boyfriend. I'm too childish to her that she prohibited me from making friend with his boyfriend. I can't believe a person that i treated as sister, thinking that I will ruin her relationship with her boyfriends. The use of obscene words totally disappointed me.She really broke my heart, really she did. She made me feel like i was a big loser. At first, i believed my friend's taste of choosing her as a girlfriend. I was so naive that I thought she will support me and enhance my life and help me to think and behave in darker ways that I never thought I would. After all, she cut off communication with me by blocking me in MSN and Facebook. It's infuriating and I found no route to express my anger towards her. Sometimes, i hate myself that I feel like wanna take revenge on her or her ex-bf who were used to be my closest friends and whom I once spent a lot of time. I don't know why I always think that he is of the same type like her. She basically used me and was really nice when she needed me, but otherwise, she threw me off to the side. Even though I know that everything will become history and I will get over this trauma, however, I still feel afraid being dumped by another person and I believe he will and actually he did. Jenwin, you will definately find your best friends one day, be patient. =)

Nobody knows

I awakened by hunger at midnight. I suddenly feel like everything is so blue, the window, the cupboard and myself. I don't like lunch and dinner time, because this period is the blue'est to me. today i saw year 2 juniors were having their lunch with their gang. And i saw my classmate was having lunch beside me with his closest friend. After that, i realised actually year 3 juniors were also having lunch there. There is no mirror there, but i could see myself is having lunch alone. I did cry in my heart, but who knows and who cares? I always knew looking back on tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on laughs would make me cry. I don't want anyone to see my heart, because it ain't pretty. My heart isn't broken, it just doesn't feel as full as it used to be. I never know I'm getting lost until I wanna watch a movie but I have no idea whom should I call to go along with me.

适应

这次的post我不写冗长的句子了

这一年我的梦好长
仿佛整整过了四季
我似乎还没清醒
我需要深深地吸一口气
因为我觉得我不够冷静
有时愧疚太多 有时自责太久
想得太仔细 累坏了情绪
有些事 越想抽离越清晰
如今故事发展到只剩我一个
我没想过我会难过
没想过是否能承受一个人的寂寞
一个人用餐 一个人看电影 一个人落魄
哪怕周围再多人 感觉还是一个人
习惯单独旅行 习惯单独解决问题
但我不想别人看到我的无助
我相信跌倒是种成长
我不再迁就 不再执着
我心甘情愿 让一切随风而逝
回忆弥漫在空气中是甜蜜的

上线，是为了打发寂寞；隐身，是为了躲避失望。什么时候，我们喜欢上了安静，却又很怕寂寞；什么时候，我们爱上了自信，却又很怕失望。于是，我们喜欢上了这样：拿起手机，看看是否错过了谁的电话，是否还有未来得及看的短信，可是熟悉的墙纸告诉我们：没有消息……

The friends who give meaning to my life

Many friends give meaning to my life, all people who've ever hurt me , and all people who kind to me also. Everytime I fail and everytime I success, it give meaning to my life. Friends inspire me and teach me how to be better and to live life to the full.

Primary school
Mr. CH Lim
He is my best friends during primary school. We sat together in class for 3 years in primary school and 1 year during secondary school. Without a moment of hesitation, he lent me a hand to tear my 'letter' nailed on the notice board. When time passed, we seldom talk anymore.

Secondary school
Mr TY kweh and Ms J yow
I was deeply impressed by thier intelligence. As the world utilizes ten percent of brain power, i think they use more than that.In addition to his undeniable intelligence, I always admired him because of his remarkable personality. Ms yow is a very kind humble person while Mr kweh never failed to teach me the things that i didn't understand.

Mr yk Chen
A person who always makes me feel that i need a lot of improvement in many aspects in my life, eg. sincerity, personal integrity, humility, and courtesy. i was not a good boy and i had difficulty in gaining his trust. There's a promise that i've made and the promise is just like the full moon, if it's not kept at once it diminished day by day. I found that i promised according to my hopes, and perform according to my fears. therefore, the lesson that i've laernt is 'Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise'. i'm so sorry but i'm little late. i will continually upgrade myself.

Uni life
Mr kk Foo
He is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

Mr CK Hor
His kindness is a language that i can hear when i close my ears and i can see when i close my eyes.

to be continued.

Me

i'm a moderate learner.
i wan to be a better person each day that passed.
open-minded. approachable. frolicsome.
optimistic and pessimistic at the same time.
i love ice cream like a kid.
singining makes me happy.
i love to take photos.
lazy at times.
always 50:50 when deciding.
i appreciate little things.
i don't ask for too much. lovable.
i love to explore.
i love to discover new things.
i know my limits. i love surprises.
have lots of friends.
i don't agree in early marriage.
i don't believe in true love as of now.
i love drama. theater.
i always hide what i feel.
i dream to play on the rain someday with someone.
i forget what to forget. i live for the present. i look back for the good memories.

Chia's Birthday 2011 Slideshow

Chia's Birthday 2011 Slideshow: "TripAdvisor™ TripWow ★ Chia's Birthday 2011 Slideshow ★ to Kuala Lumpur by Jenwin Ho. Stunning free travel slideshows on TripAdvisor"

Lonely excitement

yippie..i've passsed my supp paper...extremely excited alone~~

yo~

None of the friendships will last long? In fact, it breaks my heart to see so many my own age and younger disappointed with their friendship... I thought I'd found a best friend, for a few months it was wonderful, but now, i feel that i'm being fool